MediaBloodhound

The Wounded-Courier: Larry King Writing Sequel to 'My Remarkable Journey'

In an interview with the Al Jazeera news network today, legendary talk show host Larry King revealed he's already writing a sequel to his new autobiography "My Remarkable Journey." King said the follow-up autobiography, with the working title "If You're Not Nauseous Yet, You Will Be," will disclose many juicy anecdotes and surprises he couldn't fit into his current book.

King, who's been making the rounds to promote "My Remarkable Journey," provided Al Jazeera with the following teasers that readers can expect to find in "If You're Not Nauseous Yet, You Will Be":

Geraldo Foiled Three-Way with Zahn

In 1999, over dinner at Katz's Deli, Paula Zahn invited King and Geraldo Rivera back to her apartment for a ménage à trois, but King and Rivera's bitter disagreement over which of them should pick up the check caused Zahn to rescind her offer and storm out.

"That really would've been something," King said wistfully. "Paula Zahn, you know? Wow. The body on her. Thanks for the cock block, Geraldo."

King added, "I hope the free pastrami was worth it, you schmuck."

Ate Sushi Off Doris Kearns Goodwin's "Caboose"

"You may not realize this now, but the great American historian Doris Kearns Goodwin used to be a knockout. A caboose on her like a summer peach." King went on to explain, "So this is back in the early eighties, we're at one of the first sushi restaurants in New York, and Doris and I are getting frisky over a bottle of sake. She'd slipped off her shoes and was rubbing her foot over my man regions. So we asked for our check, a doggy bag and escaped to her apartment. As soon as we got through the door, Doris stripped like a Technicolor cartoon. It was the first time I ever ate raw fish off a famous historian's tail lights."

Asked if that meant he'd eaten sushi off other naked people, King told Al Jazeera, "Does a Jew order Chinese food on Christmas? Of course. I've lapped sushi off the flesh of hundreds of legends."

King provided a short list, which included Charo, Richard Nixon, Dolly Parton, Burt Reynolds, former ABC Newsman Frank Reynolds, Cher, Margaret Thatcher, Spuds McKenzie, Bea Arthur, Judy Woodruff, Marlon Brando, Barbara Walters, Cary Grant, Ruth Buzzi, Dr. Phil, Zsa Zsa Gabor, George C. Scott, Kate Smith, Grace Jones, Tom Jones, Chuck Jones, Sharon Jones, Jim Jones, The Jonas Brothers, Judge Judy, Vincent Price, Julia Child and Jim Lehrer.

Turned Down Lead Role in "Raiders of the Lost Ark"

"Little known fact, the original script called for a skeletal old man with a severe heart condition. It was, you know, a very different movie then. It wasn't until I passed on it and Harrison came aboard that they added the action sequences and a story that would draw an audience."

King grimaced, saying, "Look, I always promised Harrison I wouldn't tell anyone. But people know me as a truth-teller, the street guy from Brooklyn with smoked fish tucked under his arm and brass knuckles on each hand. I'm the original pimp, a sex machine, a hustler, a dope fiend, the latke gangsta. I killed a guy back in the sixties for a box of Crackerjacks. I didn't even like Crackerjacks -- I did it for the free toy."

"So yeah, I was the first Indiana Jones," he continued. "The cat's out of the bag. If Harrison has a problem with me saying that, he knows where to find me. Oh, by the way, I nailed Calista Flockhart in her prime."

He's a "Gentile Woman" and Marsupial

Another shocking revelation came when King admitted, "I'm actually a gentile woman and part marsupial."

King explained that a rare hormone condition and ubiquitous use of suspenders have helped him hide this from the public's eye.

"It will be a relief to finally stop using so much Yiddish and to openly schlep -- I mean carry -- my stuff in the pouch that the good Lord gave me."

Slept with Barbara Bush Too Many Times to Remember

"People always say, you know, Barbara resembles George Washington. Maybe," he said with a laugh, "this sounds strange to some people, but I always thought there was something hot about the father of our country. I mean that in a man-crush kind of way. All that unabashed doughy whiteness. I can't explain it exactly -- I'll leave that to psychologists -- but Babes and I had a torrid affair throughout the Reagan and first Bush administration."

King went on to describe their encounters in lurid detail.

"I'd close my eyes and pretend I was crossing the Delaware," he explained. 'What can I say? It was exhilarating. Here I am -- this schlub from Brooklyn -- with my putz in the first lady, pretending I'm schtupping the father of our country. And I'm thinking, 'How did I get here? What a life. What a life for me."

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The Wounded-Courier is the satirical news division of MediaBloodhound.

The Wounded-Courier (EXCLUSIVE): Leaked Menu of George Will's Catered Dinner Party for Barack Obama

Conversation at the recent dinner party thrown by conservative pundit George Will for Barack Obama may remain shrouded in secrecy. But one thing will not: the menu. And there was no shortage of food. An anonymous source leaked the detailed catered menu to The Wounded-Courier today. (Other conservative pundits in attendance included William Kristol, David Brooks, Charles Krauthammer, Larry Kudlow, Paul Gigot, Peggy Noonan, Michael Barone and Rich Lowry.) Here is what was served:

Hors d’oeuvres

Skewers of Unmitigated Gall

Fingerless Sandwiches

Record Dow Asiago-Spinach Dip

Mercury-Infused Bay Scallops with Deregulation Coulis

Chickenhawk Balls Wrapped in Old Glory

Choose one from the following courses:

Soup du Jour

Torture Chowder

Intellectually Dishonest Bisque

Puree of Lying Sack of Potato Soup

Salad

Segregated Greens with Reaganesque Croutons

Cryto-Fascist Pasto

Appetizers

Heartless Artichoke Tartine

Propagandistically Stuffed Mushrooms

Clams in a Half Cell

Indoctrinated Shrimp Cocktail

Entrees

Beef Orwellian

War on Terror Risotto 

Shredded Constitution with Well-Placed Leeks

Bipartisan Turducken™

Cold Shoulder of Pork and Earmark Dumplings

Tax Refund Gruel with Coal Ash Croquettes

Half-Baked Change over Discouraging Pilaf

Dessert

Illegally Wiretapped Tiramisu

Cinnamon Renditioned Flan 

Wingnut Brittle Gelato

Quid Pro Quo Cookies

Trickle-Down Huckleberry Sorbet

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The Wounded-Courier is the satirical news division of MediaBloodhound.

The Wounded-Courier: Obama Said to Pick Newly Created 'Leakmaster General'

After days of leaks coming from the Obama transition team, the President-elect has reportedly decided to go the path of least resistance, embracing the enlarged prostate flow of chatter with the new cabinet position of Leakmaster General.

Former Clinton administration officials involved in the transition, who declined to give their names because "that would kind of spoil a leak," say the Leakmaster General's duties will be to deliver all leaks, however nonsensical, through a central command -- the Office of Leaks, Gossip and Utter Horseshit (OLGUH).

Other Clinton administration officials close to the transition efforts say that Obama has chosen Lanny Davis, former special counsel to President Clinton and longtime Hillary loyalist, to fill this new cabinet position. Reached for comment, Davis declined to confirm the leak. A few minutes later, however, he called back from another number, disguised his voice, gave his name as "Gustav Demetri Jones Jr. III," and said, "If Lanny Davis wants this position, it's his for the taking."

According to acquaintances of friends of anonymous children of Clinton insiders once associated with the transition team, John Podesta, Obama transition chief and former Clinton White House chief of staff, hand-picked Davis for the position himself, calling him, "A sieve with legs."

But a high school classmate of Obama's, Heddy Sipperstein, told The New York Times this afternoon, "These reports of Obama going with the flow, don't believe 'em. I just spoke with some Clinton insiders last night at an underground DC rave fundraiser for baby boomer lobbyists with Restless Leg Syndrome. They say Obama is mad pissed, Bubbeleh, and this Leakmaster General post is just a ploy to play it cool."

A red-haired man dressed like a court jester outside a Greyhound bus station in Detroit said he was contacted by aliens in his head who are friends with current Hillary Clinton supporters attached to the transition process.

"They say nothing is what it seems like, man. The ghosts are in the machine, you know. Big Bird for Secretary of Defense. Wolf Blitzer for Minister of the Beard. Wolf Boy for Secretary of Norelco. Number nine, number nine! Bill Clinton is not W.C. Fields but Mrs. Fields cookies never put country first. Knock-knock. Who's there? Can only tell you on condition of anonymity. Th-the-the-the-the-that's all, folks!"

Asked if Hillary Clinton would make a good Secretary of State, the man replied, "Sure, as long as she's willing to work for President Obama and put any future presidential aspirations on the back burner."

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The Wounded-Courier is the satirical news division of MediaBloodhound.

The Wounded-Courier: Comedy World Devastated by Obama Victory

As the majority of Americans continue to bask in the glow of Barack Obama's landslide victory on Tuesday, comedians nationwide have suddenly fallen on hard times. Some literally.

Widespread reports of comics leaping from windows on Election Night have received little attention in the press. Some historians liken the turn of events to the stock market crash of 1929. But Freddy Roman, Dean of the legendary New York Friar's Club, called it "worse, much worse, mayo on corn beef bad."

The Daily Show host Jon Stewart put a good face on it during Comedy Central's election night coverage. Yet sources at the show say Stewart retreated to his office afterward and "went, like, totally ballistic."

"We had Grandpa Cranky McCrazyPants and Sarah f**king Palin! Now we're stuck with Obama! There's nothing funny about him! It's like cracking jokes about Lincoln following his Gettysburg Address! F**k me twice with a motherf**king hope stick, people!" Stewart cried amid the sound of breaking glass, a shrieking cat and overturned furniture. "And Michelle?! She's the most likable First Lady since Eleanor Roosevelt! We had Cindy McCain, Cruella De Vil incarnate, but nooooo! Goddamn America's good fortune!"

The Wounded Courier spoke with several top comedic minds about the daunting challenges ahead.

"Let's face it," admitted Late Show host David Letterman, "George W. Bush was comedic welfare. None of us really had to work very hard. Hell, our writers would often just send me links to The New York Times and then hit the peep shows. McCain and Palin, as a team, would've kept those comedy welfare checks flowing. But the gravy train is over now. And, you know, Bush is gone in January." The usually unflappable Letterman paused, chocking back a tear. "It reminds me of the incredible void Johnny left after retiring from The Tonight Show."

Gilbert Gottfried, stand-up comic and voice of the Aflac Duck, was even starker in his judgment, calling Obama's achievement "a comedy Holocaust."

"President-elect Obama has my full support," said Gottfried, "but I'll never forgive him for redistributing the wealth of punch lines. I'll survive. But think of all those comedians who might never again be able to pick up a newspaper and just copy and paste. Hundreds of thousands of them will be forced into lives of prostitution, dealing drugs, working in advertising." Gottfried added, "They say tragedy plus time equals comedy. But this time we really got screwed. No one ever factored Barack Obama into that equation."

Once the race was officially called for Obama, Stephen Colbert, co-hosting Comedy Central's election night coverage with Jon Stewart, appeared to break character for a moment to shed tears of joy. But viewers actually misinterpreted his reaction.

"I knew I'd miss Bush, but I thought I could rely on McCain-Palin and the millions of bile-filled, pitch-fork-waving, infuriatingly ignorant and virulently racist bat-shit crazy Americans to maintain comedic stability in the White House." Colbert removed his glasses and wiped fresh tears from his eyes, then added, "I was wrong. I never realized how much hope, goodwill and reality-based thinking can damage comedy." Steeling himself for the dark days ahead, Colbert said, "We grieve today for Mr. Obama's historic victory, for the tremendous barriers he's broken, and we pray he is much more of a f**k-up than the steady-handed statesman he appears to be. I mean, really, we'll take anything -- like he irons his jeans or doesn't floss nightly. Anything. It's our only hope."

Even Chris Rock, an iconic and wildly successful African-American comedian, felt conflicted over Obama's victory.

"Two hundred and thirty-two years to get a black man in the White House, and the one they choose disenfranchises an entire nation of comedians! Can't a brother catch a break?!"

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The Wounded-Courier is the satirical news division of MediaBloodhound.

[Ed. note: Congratulations to President-elect Barack Obama on running a substantive, honorable and historic campaign. Its effect on the state of comedy notwithstanding.]

The Wounded-Courier: Prop Comic Gallagher Replaces Top McCain Strategist

Trailing in both national and state polls with Election Day drawing near, John McCain's campaign announced this morning that legendary prop-comic Gallagher -- famed for smashing produce, especially watermelons, with a sledgehammer -- will take over strategy and messaging from Karl Rove disciple Steve Schmidt. It's a major shakeup in a campaign already known for embracing the unconventional.

On MSNBC's Morning Joe today, McCain campaign manager Rick Davis told Joe Scarborough, "We've done pretty well pulling a new rabbit out of the hat every day. But Gallagher is the godfather of prop comedy, a master of the random tactic. Who better to keep Barack Obama off balance?"

McCain senior advisor Nancy Pfotenhauer, appearing on the Today show, explained the move to co-host Meredith Vieira.

"Sarah Palin and I, like most Americans, may not know the wonky details of our Constitution, such as the role of the Vice President. But we know funny when we see it. Like this Gallagher gem about Senator Kennedy's brain tumor -- 'He wanted to have a hole in his head like the rest of his family.' Or how about this witty side-splitter, Meredith -- 'How does a slut feel? Whore-a-ble.' [Ed. Note: Actual Gallagher jokes. Send hate mail directly to Gallagher.]

When Vieira called the jokes "kind of lame and in poor taste," Pfotenhauer replied, "Well, maybe East Coast elitist types won't get the joke, Meredith, but real Americans still enjoy laughter."

John McCain, stumping today in the western Pennsylvania factory town of Ambridge, climbed the dais pulling a large cloth bag behind him. "So have you heard the news?" he asked the crowd, then retrieved a Ziploc freezer bag stuffed with 15 lbs. of raw pork chops coated in Shake 'N Bake. Holding it aloft and giving it a shake, McCain said, "We're really going to...shake things up from now until November 4! Huh?! Huh?! Huh?!"

Gallagher, wielding his sledgehammer, joined McCain on stage. Taking the bag of uncooked breaded pork chops from McCain, he placed it on the podium and asked the audience, "Who's hungry for change in Washington?" The crowd whooped and hollered, "We are!" A man from the back followed that with, "Unless that change involves a black man!" Gallagher then said, "OK, if any of you are keeping kosher, cover your mouths," before bringing the sledgehammer down and sending hunks of raw pork sailing through the crowd.

Meanwhile, speaking to a local chapter of the Ku Klux Klan in Colorado Springs, Colo., Sarah Palin ended her speech by telling the hooded members, "I'm really proud to welcome Gallagher to our campaign to clean-up Washington. But," she said with a wink and a smile, "we do things a little differently where I'm from." The chapter's Grand Wizard then placed a watermelon on the podium and handed Palin a shotgun. The Alaskan governor took several paces back and fired, turning the crowd into a sea of white and pink and black seeds.

Dennis Miller, former Saturday Night Live star turned conservative comedian and talk radio host, called the idea, "Genuis." On his talk radio program, Miller said, "It's a shot of tactical testosterone directly into John McCain's ball sac, my friends. You think the McCain crew kept you guessing before? You never know what the G-man is gonna throw ya? Boom -- a rubber chicken! Boom -- a photo of Barack dressed like an Islamic terrorist! Boom -- a giant foam question mark, followed by another rubber chicken." Miller also made the keen observation, "This will make the 1918 Yankees acquisition of Babe Ruth from the Red Sox look like the CW Network's signing of Shannon Doherty to reprise her role as Brenda in the new 90210."

Speaking with Chris Matthews on Hardball, comedian and Real Time host Bill Maher said, "I'm pretty sure, Chris, this is going to help Gallagher's career more than John McCain's. Most people under 40 never heard of Gallagher before this. Soon, though, every American will know that Gallagher is to watermelons what Sarah Palin is to the Constitution and moose."

In another campaign stop today in Arizona, where the senator is suddenly in danger of losing his home state, McCain stepped up attacks on his rival.

"My friends, Senator Obama talks about cutting spending with a scalpel. We need more than a scalpel, my friends. We need a hatchet. A hatchet and a sledgehammer." On cue, Gallagher strode to the stage, watermelon and sledgehammer in hand. As the comedian prepared, McCain said, "You know, my opponents have said lots of horrible things about my supporters in recent days. They've accused you of being racists. And you know what, I couldn't agree with them more...I couldn't agree with you less...I couldn't find you more repulsive...I mean less likable...I, I...oh, f**k it. Just hit the watermelon, would you, Gallagher!"

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The Wounded-Courier is the satirical news division of MediaBloodhound.

The Wounded-Courier: Leaked Memo of McCain Camp's Future Hail Marys

Tactic: Dress a small band of Alaskan National Guard troops in Russian military attire and stage an invasion of the Alaskan border, sending the rest of Alaskan National Guard troops, on Palin's orders, to successfully capture or kill the "Russian invaders."

Strategy: Ends questions about Palin's national security credentials.
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Tactic: In addition to claiming McCain invented the Blackberry, assert that he also invented the wheel, sliced bread, fire, the missionary position, whiskey, apple pie, sliders, cleavage, Beanie Babies, oxygen, blow jobs, sunlight, bikinis, pasteurization, nuggies, the handshake, ice cream, poll dancing, Penicillin, the wave, hot dogs, the Theory of Relativity, beer nuts, New Journalism, indoor plumbing, low-rise jeans, Method Acting, rap, Twister, funnel cake, the printing press, soft pretzels, the phrase "dude," the color blue, moving pictures, "bringing sexy back," nougat, and baseball.

Strategy: Highlights McCain's superior record of accomplishment. Bonus: no time left in the campaign season for media to fact-check effectively.
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Tactic: Sarah Palin "accidentally" shoots First Dude in the face during moose-hunting expedition.

Strategy: Secures Cheney base.
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Tactic: Outdoing David Blaine's most recent stunt of hanging upside-down for 60 hours, Palin hangs upside down for the remainder of election season.

Strategy: Can't speak to reporters -- or "gotcha"-seeking voters -- with all that blood rushing to your head. Dangerous? You bet. But a win-win for us: If she makes it, she's a hero and successfully nips all press questions in the bud. If she doesn't, McCain makes her an American martyr: "Sarah Palin could've asked her aides to bring her down at anytime, but for the sake of her country she refused to let her feet ever touch the ground. A shining example of patriotism and selflessness for generations of Americans to come." He will then put Romney on ticket with no time for media to fully vet him.
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Tactic: Potential "October Surprise": McCain fakes own death days before the election, only to rise court-side like a phoenix (or Jesus) at an actual Phoenix Suns basketball game later that night.

Strategy: Leverages McCain's "Comeback Kid" campaign season persona, exemplifies "Country First" slogan (surmounting even death to serve country in time of need), and locks up evangelical vote.
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Tactic: Build an actual "Bridge to Nowhere" out of cookie dough.

Strategy: Americans love cookie dough. (Internal polls also reveal Americans don't mind earmarks when they are delicious.)
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Tactic: If reporter brings up the Keating Five, McCain says, "I love Dave Brubeck." If reporter replies, "Dave Brubeck?" McCain responds, "Are you saying you don't like Jazz? Jazz was created in America. Why do you hate America?"

Strategy: Internal polls show most Americans think the Keating Five was a successful late '50s/early '60s jazz band.
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Tactic: Whenever McCain or Palin wants to avoid answering a question, they respond by saying "Lorna Doone."

Strategy: This answer will throw reporters off-balance and cause them to switch topic. Example:

REPORTER: How can you claim to run on change when you voted with President Bush 90% of the time?

MCCAIN: Lorna Doone.

REPORTER: I'm sorry?

MCCAIN: Lorna Doone.

REPORTER: I'm not sure what you're referring to, Senator. Isn't that a brand of cookie?

MCCAIN: That's correct.

REPORTER: So what does that have to do with this question?

MCCAIN: Lorna Doone.

REPORTER: OK, Senator, let's move on.

[See recent Meet the Press with Tom Brokaw to witness approximate efficacy of such a technique.]

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Tactic: Promise every American a free rape kit.

Strategy: Obscures evidence that Palin, as Mayor of Wasilla, charged rape victims for their own kits. Plus, Americans love free shit.
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Tactic: Create first "Co-Vice Presidency" in which Dick Cheney shares Vice Presidential duties with Palin.

Strategy: Nullifies fears of Palin's inexperience. Cheney will be there to guide her hand in furthering Bush administration policies while simultaneously helping to push through Palin initiatives such as book banning, ensuring a second Cold War with Russia, mandatory arm bands, and appointing her BFF from high school for Secretary of the Interior because "as a bona fide pet lover, she has two cats, a dog and three hamsters."
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Tactic: Change date of Election Day from Nov. 4 to Nov. 27, Thanksgiving Day.

Strategy: Turkey consumption releases tryptophan. Tryptophan induces drowsiness. Drowsiness will deter millions of Americans from dislodging themselves from their couches to vote. (Internal polls show majority will get as far as undoing top button of jeans before passing out.)
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Tactic: McCain wears sunglasses round-the-clock.

Strategy: Lends him a younger, rock star (think Bono) vibe while also masking that blinky "helter skelter" eye.
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Tactic: Another potential "October Surprise" -- McCain reveals he's traced a call pinpointing Bin Laden's whereabouts, telling Americans in a live national address, "My friends, it's coming from inside your home. Get out of the house! I repeat, get out of the house!"

Strategy: More Americans abandon their homes, leaving them ineligible to vote in November.
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Tactic: Palin speaks only in tongues for remainder of campaign season.

Strategy: Couldn't be worse than what she's said in English.
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Tactic: More Fembots (aka "Pfotenhauers").

Strategy: In a one-on-one debate with Obama advisers or surrogates, internal polls show McCain senior adviser Nancy Pfotenhauer causes heterosexual men to lose focus of the topic 87% of the time and women, bi-curious or gay, 84% of the time.
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Tactic: Officially hire Bill Clinton as a McCain/Palin surrogate.

Strategy: He's more effective than most of our own people.
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Tactic: In next presidential debate, direct McCain to preface each comment with, "In my day, we didn't have [fill in the blank].

Strategy: According to internal polls, McCain is not coming off as crotchety, narrow-minded and out of touch enough to satisfy the over 80 crowd.
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The Wounded-Courier is the satirical news division of MediaBloodhound.

The Wounded-Courier: McCain Threatens Bombing China Over U.S. Flag Sales

On the heels of news that millions of American flags are actually imported from China, Republican presidential nominee John McCain addressed the issue this Fourth of July morning outside a flag factory in Fredericksburg, Virginia.

"All options must be on the table to deal with China's infiltration of our flag market," McCain said to a cheering and U.S.-made flag-waving crowd. "If we find that China manufactured and sold us these millions of American flags intentionally and for the purpose of tainting our great country in any way, we might have no other option than to bomb these Chinese flag production sites and trade routes, their business associates, and their friends and family."

McCain went on to declare, "My friends, our flag is all we have. I'll say this to you as plainly as possible - if an American flag and a baby were on fire, you have my solemn word I wouldn't think of coming to that baby's aid until every last ember was extinguished from Old Glory. My friends, babies of course come and go, but our forefathers fought and died to preserve that flag, and" - pounding the podium - "I will not stand by while the Chinese sell millions of them to us through their handiwork and our mutual trade deals!"

The GOP presidential candidate also challenged Barack Obama to stand up for the U.S. flag.

"If Senator Obama truly loves our flag, if he sees not only stars whenever he's struck in the head but, as I do, also stripes, then he should tell the American people he's willing to attack China if that's what it takes to protect the sanctity of the red, white and blue."

Last night, on NBC Nightly News with Brian Williams, Williams discussed a possible attack against China with Chief Foreign Correspondent Richard Engel.

"Richard, tell us what happens if we strike China."

"Well, it's all about the imports. Currently, we still receive the majority of our imports from China, everything from baby bottles to shrimp and catfish to breast implants. If the Chinese government were to suddenly cut off that flow, it would be a blow to our already reeling economy. You also risk stirring the hatred of China's 1.4 billion people."

"Import issues. A testy Chinese population. Okay," said Williams. "But the bottom line - would bombing China help us return to a time when U.S. flags are only made here in America?"

"Well, I talked to a import/export analyst today, Brian. He told me, "If you carpet bomb China, ninety-eight percent, maybe even one hundred percent of the flags thereafter will be made in the USA."

"And that's what's at stake here. The result of such a military action could finally bring our flag home. Thanks, Richard."

Speaking today with MSNBC's Morning Joe anchor Joe Scarborough, political analyst Pat Buchanan argued, "Joe, America must be willing to draw the line somewhere. First, some Belgians try to buy Budweiser. Now we hear the Red Chinese are making our flags? What's next, Joe? Hemp baseballs? Falafel dogs? Baklava instead of apple pie? Little American boys and girls selling mango lassi for five cents instead of lemonade?" Buchanan also urged a military strike. "Joe, the infiltration of these Communist-made U.S. flags is our new Pearl Harbor. I'm against any kind of occupation. But Americans were completely taken by surprise with this, and the Chinese should be hit and hit hard if they've used our trade deals covertly to dupe us into pledging allegiance to a flag made by Chinamen."

In a promo for tonight's Anderson Cooper 360 on CNN, Cooper asked, "Is the American flag Barack Obama's Willie Horton? Now that John McCain has taken the ultimate stand for Old Glory, is Senator Obama willing to carpet bomb China to protect our country's flag? Or will he stumble into the political minefield laid today by a straight-shooting John McCain and add another page to the Democrats' long history of neglecting the stars and stripes. Tonight on 360."

In a New York Times op-ed titled "The Flags of Our Fathers," columnist Thomas Friedman called the Chinese-made U.S. flags "a fiasco but a manageable one if the right steps are taken."

"We would all do well to remember the Chinese are human beings just like us," wrote Friedman. "Therefore a free-flowing market is also in their blood. But the hidden hand of the market never works without the hidden fist. So do we strike China? The key word is we. It's clear that some action must be taken, but attacking China unilaterally shouldn't be our first choice. We want to be seen as strong but not a bully. The loss of human capital is a tricky game. By recruiting other reliable allies in our bombing efforts - England, Tonga, Azerbaijan, Mongolia, Kazakhstan and Micronesia, just name a few - America can turn a military transaction into an effective campaign to open new markets while simultaneously helping China manage its overpopulation. In other words, on this Fourth of July, I say give war a chance!"

The Wounded-Courier: Charlie Black Plans Terror Attacks in Key Swing States

After critics questioned the appropriateness of John McCain's chief strategist, Charlie Black, saying a terrorist attack on American soil would benefit his candidate, yesterday Black took that notion one step farther.

Appearing on Today, Black told co-host Matt Lauer, "With Wednesday's Quinnipiac University poll showing Senator Obama leading in Pennsylvania, Ohio and Florida, we've redoubled our efforts regarding terror attacks here at home, from mere wishful thinking to targeted planning."

Lauer asked, "Just to be clear, you're not suggesting you're involved in orchestrating attacks on these states?"

"No, I'm not suggesting that, Matt. I'm telling you flat-out, Pennsylvania, Ohio and Florida can expect to be hit by the McCain campaign sometime between now and Election Day. We are taking this fight to Barack Obama and the American people. If Senator Obama is really tough on terror, then let's see if he can match our upcoming scheduled spectaculars. Personally, I don't think the anti-war senator from Illinois has it in him."

"Clearly some controversial straight talk from Charlie Black," replied Lauer. "Charlie, thanks for stopping by. I look forward to the barbecue this weekend."

But speaking to Wolf Blitzer on The Situation Room, CNN senior political reporter Candi Crowley questioned whether Black's latest statement was controversial at all.

"You know, Wolf, while some might chafe at the unvarnished quality of what Charlie Black said, it is true to the McCain campaign's straight talk on tough issues. I mean it's fair to say the Obama camp would never openly admit to planning terrorist attacks on those key swing states. And--"

"But Candi," interrupted Blitzer, "should a presidential candidate's campaign carry out such attacks on American citizens? Wouldn't these attacks be against the law?"

"Well, Wolf, I think that's up to the American people to decide if this is the right thing for the McCain camp to do. But I think many will admire the candor of Charlie Black here. And by disclosing their plans for attack now, Black and the McCain team will in the long run save untold lives in Ohio, Florida and Pennsylvania. People who otherwise would spend the day voting for their next president will remain home and safe from attack."

"Candi Crowley, part of the best political team on television, that is a good point."

"As to whether or not such terrorist attacks, in this context, are against the law, Wolf, we're really in uncharted territory here. We saw the first major divergence from presidential campaign rules when Barack Obama recently opted out of public financing, which many considered a major flip-flop. John McCain's team is now throwing an elbow of its own with these scheduled spectaculars in key battleground states. But Charlie Black shrewdly showed how they intend to be tough while keeping the shine on their straight-shooting brand." Crowley added, "Against the law? I'll leave that to legal scholars. But it's certainly good politics."

Asked to comment on Black's latest statement, John McCain told reporters in Muncie, Indiana, "Look, I'm not going to get all caught up in this daily game of gotcha. Are the gloves off? Sure they're off. We have a campaign to win. But I can't discuss specific strategies, such as the exact locations of our targets in Ohio, Florida and Pennsylvania. The only thing I can tell you is that it will not be another Vietnam - we will hit these battleground states will everything we have. Defeat is not an option."

In his column in the Washington Post today, George Will defended Charlie Black and his plan to capture those crucial states.

"Black and McCain are 'old school' in the best sense of such plebeian argot. As I've noted before, the first task of an occupation remains the first task of government: to establish a monopoly on violence. A tactical campaign of terror in these key swing states is an astute election season extension of this strategy. As Sun Tzu instructed, 'All men can see these tactics whereby I conquer, but what none can see is the strategy out of which victory is evolved.' Barack Obama's campaign can scoff all it wants at Black and McCain's adoption of al Qaeda tactics. In the end, however, Obama's elitist adherence to the rule of law may well spell his downfall. As the late great George Carlin said, "We like war." Whether on our own soil or in a distant land, explosions, gunfire and random acts of violence bind us as Americans. To deny this is to reject the American people outright, to lodge metaphorical shrapnel deep into the heart of our frontier soul."

Rumors that Osama bin Laden's lieutenant, Ayman al-Zawahiri, will officially join McCain's campaign just after the Republican National Convention have yet to be confirmed, but al-Zawahiri is scheduled to appear on ABC's The View next Wednesday.

"Will he join McCain's team?" co-host Whoopi Goldberg asked rhetorically today in announcing al-Zawahiri's upcoming guest spot. "How does he always look so well groomed? Is Casey Affleck a better actor than his older brother Ben? Iron Man or Hulk? Boxers or briefs? 'Iny' or 'outy'? This cat has a lot to tell us about, including his new book The Cave Diet: How to Lose Forty Pounds and Keep It Off While Evading American Authorities. You don't want to miss this."

[Ed. Note: This Wounded-Courier is dedicated to the memory of George Carlin.]

The Wounded-Courier: McCain Camp Launches NameIsMcCainNotMcSame.com

In response to charges that John McCain's presidency would amount to a third term for George W. Bush, the McCain campaign debuted a new website today, NameIsMcCainNotMcSame.com.

The homepage explains, "Though John McCain does agree with President Bush on the necessity of the war in Iraq and staying there to get the job done, seeking to overturn Roe v. Wade, immunity for telecom companies' illegal wiretapping, not speaking with our enemies, offshore drilling, limiting legal rights of detainees, targeting Iran for attack, school vouchers, banning same-sex marriages, opposing increased education benefits for veterans, making current tax cuts permanent, the economy, healthcare, expanding genetically modified food production, and eliminating habeas corpus, or that he voted 95% of the time with the president in 2007 and 100% of the time in 2008, Senator McCain differs greatly with President Bush on a wide variety of issues."

The site goes on to list many of their divergent stances:

• President Bush drinks his coffee black; John McCain drinks his coffee black with one sugar.

• President Bush openly supports torture; John McCain, a fighter for the power of perception, publicly decries torture but supports it while voting in the Senate.

• President Bush prefers Jen; John McCain prefers Angelina.

• President Bush helped launch a new nuclear arms race around the world; John McCain wants to spearhead 45 new nuclear power plants right here in America.

• President Bush wanted Annie Hall to get back together with Alvy Singer; John McCain agreed with her decision to stay in Los Angeles with Tony Lacey.

• President Bush shows nothing but respect for his wife; John McCain, emblematic of his unyielding independence, publicly called his wife a cunt.

• President Bush is taller.

• President Bush prefers the caramel popcorn in a box of Cracker Jacks; John McCain prefers the peanuts. Also, the president gets much more excited about the prize.

• President Bush famously spoke in front of a backdrop that declared an ongoing war was over; John McCain recently made an address before a green screen that signaled his ongoing fight for the environment was over.

• President Bush is a breast man; John McCain is an ass man.

• According to a recent American Enterprise Institute study, President Bush is two-thirds less "mavericky."

• President Bush thinks Simon Cowell should be more compassionate to American Idol contestants; John McCain admires Simon's unvarnished opinions.

• President Bush was a hard-partying "C" student who got into Yale because of his father; John McCain was a hard-partying student who got into the U.S. Naval Academy because of his father, but graduated fifth from the bottom of his class.

• President Bush enjoyed Coldplay's second album for its hummability; John McCain thought it was "pussy."

• President Bush is the creepy uncle with a gambling problem; John McCain is the scary grandfather who spits when he screams.

• Watching the movie "Amadeus," President Bush saw himself in Mozart; John McCain felt Salieri's pain.

• President Bush smirks; John McCain grimaces.

• President Bush's dementia was hastened by years of chugging Wild Turkey and doing lines off strippers' backsides; John McCain earned his naturally, having roamed the earth since the days of the dinosaur.

• President Bush believed Miley Cyrus' Vanity Fair layout was in poor taste; John McCain understood her desire to shed her child-star persona.

• Sometimes President Bush feels like a nut; sometimes John McCain does not.

The Wounded-Courier Editorial: Media's Lack of Focus on Puff Daddy's Name Change

Though the media did report this week that rap mogul P. Diddy changed his name back to Puff Daddy, its coverage was far too limited for such a newsworthy event.

To be fair, it was a busy news week. And we do commend the media for tackling the other stories that affect Americans and the world most: a pig wearing boots, foreigners trying to buy Budweiser's brewer, Hulk Hogan's wife dating a 19-year-old , a federal judge caught posting sexually explicit photos on his website, the sighting of a one-horned deer, how Preparation H shrinks love handles, why NYC is seeking more visas for hot foreign models, a pregnant male sea dragon, the scourge of "momnesia", an eight-limbed girl, scientists gone wild, and the groundbreaking study that found women in bikinis make men more impulsive.

We also think the media deserves credit for wasting precious little airtime, ink or pixels on lightweight stories such as Congressman Dennis Kucinich's introduction of 35 articles of impeachment against President Bush, the Senate's intelligence report confirming the Bush White House "led the nation to war [in Iraq] on false premises," the existence of the National Conference for Media Reform in Minneapolis, or why half a million South Koreans passionately protested against ending their country's ban on US beef imports.

Yes, the media at least had the good sense to almost completely side-step these puff pieces (pardon the pun!). But we feel it's also only fair to point out its lack of focus on Puff Daddy's name reversal, a quintessential American move that, in contemporary fashion, once again turns F. Scott Fitzgerald's famous statement on its head: "There are no second acts in American lives."

Sean "Puff Daddy" Combs, who's changed his name four to six times (depending on various sources), has once more proved his great contribution to music, America and the world. Just as John Lennon moved his generation to "Give Peace a Chance," telling them "All You Need Is Love," and encouraged people everywhere in "Power to the People" to join in solidarity against the corporate war machine, Puff Daddy inspired a generation to seek broader meaning, when he sang, "Young, black and famous, with money hangin' out the anus." Where Bob Dylan signaled the turning tide against stifling conformity and murderous hypocrisy with the lyrics, "You don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows,"  Puff Daddy charted a new course of enlightenment with the subtle and trenchant lyrics, "Now puff rule the world, even though I'm young/I make it my biz to see that all ladies come (yeah)/Get 'em all strung from the tip of my tongue/Lick 'em places niggaz wouldn't dare put they faces (c'mon)."

And who can forget his wildly successful 2004 "Vote or Die" campaign?

Now, some may argue Puff Daddy's business practices for his Sean John clothing line, including the use of Honduras sweatshops and fur from tortured dogs in China, are a blot on his otherwise impressive artistic and humanitarian achievements. But we believe such incidents only reinforce the power of the American Dream - that regardless of your background, race or religion, whatever the humbleness of your beginnings, or even if you're a musician who can't play a musical instrument - "If I learned to play an instrument, it would take away from what I do..." (Puff Daddy) - you, too, may one day amass over $350 million dollars on the backs of Third World sweatshops and the brutal treatment of animals.

Maybe if the news media took the time to better understand Puff Daddy, his most recent name change would've received the attention it deserved. If only reporters had dug a little deeper, they might have found what Sean "Puff Daddy" Combs, in his humility and wisdom, revealed about himself when he asked about his preference for dressing in white: "I feel safe in white because, deep down inside, I'm an angel."

So we're giving the media fair warning now: the next time Puff Daddy changes his name - and he will - please don't make the same mistake twice. While we understand your need to cover other critical news stories, such as, say, a talking French goat that break dances, a baby who dispenses iced tea from his ear, a cross-dressing beaver named Todd, or a study finding most men enjoy fellatio, remember that Puff Daddy also weighs heavily on the lives of most Americans.