The Wounded-Courier: Veep Moves Exec Branch Into “The Office of F**k You”

WASHINGTON – Last week, Vice President Dick Cheney contended his office is not part of the executive branch. Today, however, Mr. Cheney altered his stance during an exclusive interview with Fox News anchor Brit Hume.

Speaking with Hume early this afternoon, the vice president announced that the entire executive branch will now reside within The Office of F**k You (TOOFY).

“Brit, I welcome all Americans to visit The Office of F**k You whenever they please,” said Vice President Cheney. “TOOFY is a new kind of transparency in government, a new dawn for the American presidency. We’ve never had a more direct-responding branch of government than what everyone will come to see from TOOFY.” Cheney further explained, “The executive branch was long overdue for a meaningful overhaul, Brit. I can’t tell you how many thousands of letters I’ve received from patriotic Americans worried about a weakening executive branch.”

In answering what changes we might expect to see, Cheney replied, “Well, Brit, I believe we’ll silence our critics on a few fronts, most notably in the area of exporting torture, the so-called ‘extraordinary renditions.’ Going forward, all torture will be carried out directly from the White House. Among other benefits, this will bring jobs once lost to foreign competition back to America. No doubt having a positive impact on our economy. I’m also proud to tell you that President Bush and I will be in attendance during these sessions so long as our schedules permit.” Hume then asked if this meant Mr. Cheney and Mr. Bush would take an active part in the interrogations, to which the vice president said with a grin, “Well, Brit, I’ve been known to throw a mean left in my time, but I’ll probably leave this to the experts. And I imagine the president, though I’m sure you know he’s fit as a fiddle, will probably follow suit.” Added Cheney, “There are lines we probably shouldn’t cross, protocols we should respect.” 

Shortly after the vice president’s announcement on Fox News, White House Deputy Press Secretary Dana Perino confirmed the creation of The Office of F**k You and provided more specific details at an impromptu briefing on the South Lawn.

“In the newly formed TOOFY, all torture will indeed be executed from and in the Oval Office,” Perino affirmed. “It is for this purpose the Oval Office has recently been refurbished with a brand new range of contemporary torture devices, including The Waterboarder, a state-of-the-art machine created in a joint effort by The Sharper Image and CIA that simulates the time-honored method of simulating drowning, but with far greater efficiency and, of course, a sleek decorative design.” (According to a Sharper Image representative who preferred to remain anonymous, The Waterboarder™ also releases a vanilla-ginger ionic breeze that purifies the air for the torturers and any onlookers who happen to be present during the interrogation process.) Perino also allayed concerns she said the White House has received from several environmental groups: “Just to be clear, this device and many now at the administration’s disposal are all green-friendly.”

Perino ended the presser announcing that though Bush administration officials will continue to meet with members of the press, such occasions will be “relegated solely to the Rose Garden, where newly installed precautionary firing squads will stand watch.” This statement prompted a flurry of hands. Perino, however, declined to take more questions, explaining instead before a brisk exit, “The American people will no longer tolerate leaks of information that compromise our national security. The firing squads will stand guard only for the purpose to stamp out these leaks in real-time, protecting our forces abroad and our people here at home.”

While some members of the press voiced concern over the impact these new measures might have on our democratic institutions, many, including New York Times columnist Tom Friedman, think we should give them a chance to work before being overly critical.

“Look, it’s not 2006 anymore,” Friedman told PBS NewsHour anchor Jim Lehr. “It’s a different world out there. Does it sound a little off-putting initially? Firing squads? In-house torture in the executive branch? Sure it does. Maybe. But let’s not lose our heads over this. Not yet, anyway. I think we first need to take a big step back, a deep breath and consider the cataclysmic changes occurring in the Middle East that are finally beginning to affect us here at home.” Friedman then advised, “If in six months we see the measures enacted under The Office of F**K You are working, then we’re ahead of the game. However, if in six months we see they’re not working, then we simply change course. You know what, Jim? That’s the beauty of our democracy.”

Hardball host Chris Matthews took a somewhat different view but also seemed unconcerned about Cheney’s new power grab. Speaking with Newsweek columnist Howard Fineman on Monday night’s program, Matthews said, “The thing is, you gotta love Dick Cheney. You may not agree with him on this, or anything, but he’s everyone’s crazy uncle - you know, one part Jed Clampett, Uncle Fester fiddling around in that dungeon, a little Foster Brooks tossing a few back, Fred Sanford with the ticker, kind of a speedball of Mr. Potter and Chuck Manson and the cop who hunts that guy for stealing a loaf of bread in Les Miserable…he’s got this whole C.H.U.D., Death of a Salesman, Come Back to the Five and Dime, Jimmy Dean, Jimmy Dean, corporate Boo Radley, late-career Orson Welles ‘We sell no wine before it’s time’ quality…I mean he’s just fascinating to watch, this guy. People plunk down ten bucks every day to see horror movies but this guy’s free and he’s there all the time…well, he’s somewhere, in a bunker, hanging upside down from a ceiling, sleeping one off in a coffin during a day pass, in the war room sticking pins in voodoo dolls, singing ‘Raise High the Flag’…”

“I’d have to agree, Chris,” replied Fineman. “But I do think Cheney may have finally overstepped his bounds with TOOFY.”

“Look, Howard, don’t get me wrong,” Matthews continued. “Nobody wants to see this guy reading bedtime stories to your kids, but he’s got that requisite loony don’t-screw-with-me quality that makes every American a little weak in the knees. Giuliani’s got it, too. Give him a gun and he’s another guy who won’t be afraid to shoot you in the face and blame you for it. Maybe a little scary but exhilarating too, and hot. It gets me a little bothered, I gotta admit. I start smelling cigars and feel the warm breath of cheap whiskey and I want something, I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I like it. You know? I think you do. Let’s be honest, we all want to be held but with a firm grip. And these are the kind of guys who can get it done. I’m not sure what exactly, but you know where I’m coming from. It’s a confident enigma thing and it’s served in a piecrust we all like. And some of us just want to spoon it, or be spooned, and not think about stuff so much.”

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Veep Moves Exec Branch Into “The Office of F**k You”