The Wounded-Courier: FDA Approves New E. coli Marked Produce

WASHINGTON, DC - Following the spate of E. coli outbreaks in fast food chains from contaminated produce, the FDA implemented new labeling standards today that gives consumers three options:  “organic,” “non-organic” and “E. coli.”

“Initially, we understand consumers might be reluctant to opt for that apple or pear marked ‘E. coli,’” said FDA commissioner Andrew C. von Eschenbach, M.D. But he added, “Critics said similar things when we first approved NutriSweet for human consumption. ‘It’s a known neurotoxin that causes brain tumors in rats,’ they said. ‘But the human body doesn’t metabolize it,’ they said. While that all may be true, America is, and always has been, about choice. Once E. coli fruits and vegetables flood the shelves of supermarkets and gain prominence among food establishments, consumers will realize they’re safe.”

Dr. von Eschenbach further cautioned, “The cost of not eating your fruits and vegetables because of this new labeling would be far more catastrophic. Choosing to avoid them is futile at best and, at worst, may lead to depression, anxiety, panic attacks, dry mouth, migraines, hair loss, insomnia and scurvy.”

President Bush embraced the new labeling standard, saying, “The E. coli produce is good for our economy and cheaper for the American people. Just think of it: what used to be garbage will now be food for millions of our citizens, as well as consumers around the world who will receive this less costly export. That’s progress.” But consumer advocate and former presidential candidate Ralph Nader called the FDA decision “preposterous.” Nader declared, “American consumers have been eating the proverbial shit sandwich for decades. Now they will be eating the literal shit sandwich. Can someone tell me how that's progress?”

John Stossel, legendary myth-buster and co-host of ABC’s 20/20, has a whole other take on the growing debate. He claims that “E. coli alarmists” are misinforming the public. “Like carbon dioxide, E. coli is everywhere,” said Stossel. “We couldn’t live without it. So, E. coli mangoes? Mixed greens with E. coli? Believe or not, we should be so lucky.”

Following today’s FDA announcement, Monsanto, the world’s largest producer of genetically modified soybeans, said it plans to bring a vast array of E. coli products to market in the new year, including a spreadable E. coli paste, soft drink, string cheese, stain remover, mouthwash and personal biological weapon.

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FDA Approves New E. coli Marked Produce