WASHINGTON, DC - With Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld at his side, General Peter Pace, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, introduced a new strategy today to retake Baghdad and put an end to the insurgency in Iraq.
“In unleashing flattery on a scale no military force in human history has lavished upon its civilian commander, we’re now stepping up our efforts to bring the fight directly to the insurgents,” Gen. Pace began, addressing the press at the Pentagon. “Yesterday was just the opening salvo. Today, I’m here to announce our new plan, Operation Lick and Sprawl, which we believe will finally close the book on the insurgency in Iraq. Bringing to bear the full might of the U.S. Military, we will not let up our praise of Defense Secretary Rumsfeld until every terrorist in Iraq has been destroyed. Until democracy flowers there like a garden in mulch.”
Gen. Pace continued, “Certain things, of course, we cannot divulge because it would put our troops in harm’s way. But I can tell you this: The plan is to completely take over Secretary Rumsfeld’s rectum by the first week in November. From there, our assault on enemy forces will emanate from a superior strategic vantage point. This should reduce troop casualties and bring the insurgency to its knees.” Pausing a moment to glance at Mr. Rumsfeld before turning back to the sea of press, Gen. Pace then said, “I wish I could go back in time and convince my mother to engage in intercourse with Secretary Rumsfeld in the hopes of bringing to term a better me. But since the extremist forces of genetics and the space-time continuum negate this course of action, I offer instead my undying allegiance as worthiness to serve in his exulted presence.
Appearing on Hardball, Retired U.S. Army General Barry McCaffrey was somewhat skeptical of Gen. Pace’s bold initiative, but told host Chris Matthews, “It’s difficult to discount a strategy before it's executed. Will positioning forces up Secretary Rumsfeld’s wind channel be more successful? I’m not so sure. But we’re just gonna have to wait and see. Look, Chris, history is replete with examples of ridiculed war plans that turn out to be effective. If this has a chance, it will probably derive from the fact that the enemy will be ill prepared - unable to adapt to the new strategy, to engage our military adequately from this new vantage point. Unfortunately, more than we’d like to admit, much in war is a 'wait-and-see' kind of thing.”
Though some have been harsher in their judgment of this plan. On The Situation Room with Wolf Blitzer, Senator Joseph Biden (D-Delaware) said, “This idea is simply untenable for our troops. It is one thing to appease the Bush administration, to give tacit approval to an illegal war and deny, even in the face of cold hard facts, that our presence there is not helping. All of which I’ve done while positioning myself as a staunch opponent of this White House. But to force our troops, some of whom are on their fourth or fifth rotations, to fight this battle from the farthest reaches of Secretary Rumsfeld’s hindquarters…well, it’s just un-American.”
Boarding Air Force One tonight, President Bush was asked if he agreed with Gen. Pace’s new Iraq strategy. Mr. Bush replied, “Pete Pace is a soldier’s soldier. And he’s got that name – Peter Pace. Sounds like a comic book hero. You know, the civilian name before he puts on his, uh, cape or whatever and uses his superpowers to fight the bad guys. It don’t get any more American than that.” Chuckling, Bush added, “Besides, it sounds like I may have influenced General Pace’s initiative somewhat. But don’t tell him I said that.”
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