The Wounded-Courier: Leaked Rove Memo Reveals New Talking Points

A memo originally sent from Karl Rove’s office to members of the Bush administration has been anonymously leaked to The Wounded-Courier. The contents of the memo concern talking points administration officials and political allies should begin using this summer and into the fall elections. As our editors did not find anything in this memo that either jeopardizes national security or shows the administration in a poor light, we present it to you in its entirety.

July 27, 2006

To: Bushites
From: Uncle Karl

Re: Fresh Newspeak

“Sustainable cease-fire” has been an overwhelming success, everyone. Here’s an extensive list that should hopefully cover us through the November elections:

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Issue: Violence in Iraq

Old Term = Rising Death Toll
New Term = Ultimate Liberty Train

Example: We realize six car bombs in a ten-minute period paint a grim picture, but the ultimate liberty train does not discriminate.
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Issue: Israeli-Hezbollah Conflict

Old Term = Civilians
New Term = Obstructionist Sympathizers

Example: Though we are concerned obstructionist sympathizers have suffered casualties, they must stop willfully embracing an impedimentary stance.
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Issue: Global Warming

Old Term: Scientists
New Term: Earth Mongers

Example: While global warming may exist, these earth mongers won’t be happy until everyone’s riding a camel to work and eating sandwiches on “hempernickel” bread.
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Issue: Bringing Troops Home from Iraq

Old Term: End of Rotation
New Term: Desertion

Example: The United States military will not tolerate desertion. 
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Issue: Afghanistan

Old Term: Reconstituted Taliban
New Term: Taliban Sequel

Example: We all know the Taliban sequel is not as strong as the original.
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Issue: Stem-Cell Research

Old Term = Seeking a Cure
New Term = Rehabilitative Narcissism

Example: We sympathize with those suffering from an incurable illness or injury, but rehabilitative narcissism is antithetical to American self-reliance.
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Issue: Gay Marriage

Old Term: Same-Sex Marriage
New Term: Gateway Pairings

Example: What two consenting adults do is up to them, but sanctifying gateway pairings unleashes a torrent of impulses that leave no orifice, barnyard animal* or hollow area safe from defiling.

* Hat tip to Santorum
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Issue: Minimum Wage

Old Term: Wage Increase
New Term: Greed Incentive

Example: We should not encourage honest American workers to be motivated by the greed incentive. 
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Isssue: Detainee Treatment

Old Term: Torture
New Term: Beneficial Manipulations

Example: Attorney General Alberto Gonzales has confirmed that beneficial manipulations conform to Geneva Conventions.*

* Buys us more time while MSM and Congress take nine or ten months to pin down meaning of “beneficial manipulations.”
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Issue: Presidential Powers

Old Term: Signing Statements
New Term: Executive Do-Overs

Example: The flexibility of executive do-overs enables the president to fight the war on terror without being hamstrung by Constitutional dithering.   
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Issue: Immigration

Old Term: Illegal Immigrants
New Term: Temporary Workers (whoops, used that one already)
New Term: Visiting Serfs

Example: As it says on the Statue of Liberty, give me your tired, your poor, your visiting serfs yearning to breathe free.

Comments

[vanessa]

...your visiting serfs yearning to breathe free...hahaha!!

[kurt]

The US public has been lied to before to get us to support a war. Gulf of Tokin with Vietnam 58K us solders died. No repercussions took place for the administration that did the lying. Original Gulf war with the lie about the babies put on the floor by Saddam was fabricated by the govt again. 9/11 with its various holes in the story.. from making cellular calls from phones at 32K feet to WTC7 collapsing in a symmetrically demolition style. 9/11 gave the govt the reason to attack any country & gave the political ammunition to pass the patriot act. Misleading the US public is not a anomaly by the US govt but its standard operating procedure. The public is under massive PSYOOPS by the govt. Most of us are busy watching reality TV & are not aware of the real reality unfolding around us.