NEW YORK - In yet another victory in the war on terror, seven New Jersey residents were arrested before masterminding a plot to open a coffee bar in midtown that wasn’t a Starbucks.
A tip from the FBI alerted local Secaucus police, who arrested the men – known now as the “Secaucus Seven” – without a struggle. Each arrest came as a surprise to the plotters, none of whom had actually met.
FBI Assistant Director Mark Mershon, fresh from this afternoon’s press conference on the disrupted plot to blow up a tunnel between New York and New Jersey, met again with the press later in the day. “In the tunnel plot, the FBI, along with local New York City authorities, were able to stop it in the planning stage,” Mershon explained. “In the case of the non-Starbuck’s coffee bar plot, the FBI, with help from local Secaucus authorities, made the first terrorist arrest in the pre-ideation phase. Simply put, this is a landmark case in the war on terror.”
Mayor Michael Bloomberg, standing beside Mershon and New York Police Commissioner Raymond Kelley, said, “Though we can’t give enough credit to Agent Mershon and the FBI, Commissioner Kelley and local Secaucus law enforcement officials, New York cannot be expected to regularly stop terrorist plots in their pre-planning stage if we don’t receive more funding from the federal government.”
The only suspect to be formally charged as yet is mastermind Dougie Fensler, a 37-year-old man who operates a Mister Softee truck two days a week in his Secaucus neighborhood. Fensler confessed to thinking recently, while strolling through midtown on a day off, that something other than a Starbucks might be nice. But he claims he never planned on doing anything about it, or calling on anyone else to bring his idea to fruition. Through his lawyer, Fensler released this statement: “Dude, I’m a burnout who sells ice cream. I’m not exactly what you’d call proactive. You feel me?” Mr. Fensler did not claim any ties to al Qaeda, but did admit to hearing of them before; though he couldn’t remember why.
“The threat stream began with a citizen who witnessed Fensler scowl while passing a Starbuck’s on 48th and 8th,” said Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff. “The FBI took over from there, noticing similar reactions as Mr. Fensler made his way around the general midtown area. Agents then tailed his Mister Softee truck – which, incidentally, he was driving illegally in an off-duty capacity – back to his home in Secaucus.” Chertoff went on to explain, “There, they witnessed Mr. Fensler’s soul-crushing existence – a basement apartment with a mattress on the floor, no sign whatsoever of a sexual partner and a wardrobe that included jeans shorts – and realized it was only a matter of time before militant desperation might lead to the idea of the coffee bar plot. We didn’t want to take that chance.”
The six other men, whose names have not been released, are still being questioned by authorities. Though one man, a podiatrist and father of four, did release this statement through his lawyer: “This entire episode is so idiotic I’ve temporarily lost my ability to swallow.”
now if they can only catch osama bin latte.
Posted by: skippy | July 08, 2006 at 02:33 PM
Osama bin whatte?
"You know, I just don't spend that much time on him. . . . And I wouldn't necessarily say he's at the center of any command structure. And, again, I don't know where he is. I -- I'll repeat what I said. I truly am not that concerned about him."
- George W. Bush, March 13, 2002
Posted by: MediaBloodhound | July 09, 2006 at 04:53 PM
Come on now, don't you know those incompetent dopes in Miami were al-Qaeda's beachhead in America? What's wrong with you?
Posted by: Boss Hogg | July 13, 2006 at 03:14 PM