MediaBloodhound

The Wounded-Courier: Day After "Appeasement" Remark, Ghost of Prescott Bush Hovers Over WH

One day after President Bush likened presumptive Democratic nominee Barack Obama to those who appeased Adolph Hitler, the ghost of the president's grandfather, Prescott Bush - in an SS uniform, muttering German and gesticulating angrily - has been hovering high above the White House since dawn.

An anonymous Bush administration staffer said the White House initially believed MoveOn.org, which many administration officials have compared to Hamas, had orchestrated the specter of Bush's grandfather. (Prescott Bush, a true American hero, helped fund Hitler's war machine and, as the BBC revealed last year, co-conspired to overthrow President Roosevelt to create a Nazi-style government in America.) But MoveOn.org spokesman Adam Green denied his organization's involvement, saying, "Dude, if we could do that, we would've done it a long, long time ago. We would've saved a lot of money."

Prescott's ghost has attracted crowds of onlookers who might otherwise have taken the usual long-distance gaze at the White House before moving on to the Capitol's heavily trafficked monuments. One dumbstruck eyewitness, Stanley Huffle, a history professor at American University, said, 'It's as if history and karma have merged."

Around noon, the National Guard attempted to shoot down Prescott's ghost or at least disperse him to a less visible area. But the bullets merely sailed through his shadowy form, only seeming to further inflame his rhetoric. A passing German tourist quoted him as saying, "Our failure to please the fuhrer has led directly to this point in history, where a schwartze might be president, homosexuals can marry in California, and bagels are more commonplace than f***ing Wonder Bread!"

Following yesterday's heated Hardball confrontation between host Chris Matthews and right-wing radio personality Kevin James, James returned to discuss Prescott's ghost with Matthews.

"You see, Chris, like I said yesterday, Obama is an appeaser," began James. "Fine. Whatever," replied Matthews. "Just tell me whose ghost is floating above the White House right now."

"Look, Chris, an appeaser appeases those who make use of appeasement, which leaves us vulnerable to another 9/11-style attack." Matthews repeated, "I've asked you a simple question. Who is hovering sixty feet above our White House, sir?"

"But that's not the point, Chris. Appeasement--" "Listen, you mutant, just answer the question. You don't know. Do you? Do you?" "Of course I do, Chris. It's the, the...ghost of appeasement's past or something."

"Wow. Wow. You really just lucked into that, didn't you? Just stepped right in it."

"If luck means appeasement, then yes."

"You're an idiot. Thanks for coming on."

"Thank you, Chris."

During an impromptu White House press conference, press secretary Dana Perino told reporters, "First, let me start by saying that though some candidates think the afterworld revolves around them, the appearance of Prescott's ghost over the White House has nothing to do with President Bush's speech in the Knesset yesterday."

Veteran White House reporter Helen Thomas replied, "Sure. Pay no attention to the man behind the cloud."

The Wounded-Courier: CNN's John King Calls Off Wedding, Moves In with Map

John King, chief national correspondent for CNN, broke off his engagement to colleague Dana Bash Thursday after revealing a months-long affair with his interactive election map.

Wolf Blitzer, lead anchor for the network's 2008 election coverage, said he'd grown increasingly uncomfortable with King's infatuation over his touchscreen sidekick. But Blitzer claimed he didn't know until the Pennsylvania primary that King and his "magic map" were counting more than votes.

"We were all very excited about Pennsylvania. Another big night for the best political team on television. But the truth is," explained Blitzer, "viewers only saw John with his map on-camera. Off-camera, he didn't leave her side. John didn't step away for refreshments the entire evening. Not even for a Skittle." Blitzer, suddenly visibly upset, composed himself before adding, "Later that night, long after Pennsylvania had been called for Clinton and most of us had already gone home, one of our producers brought a Krispy Kreme over to John. She found him with his pants around his ankles and his hand on Florida. I won't get into what was resting on New Jersey."

Little is known about the coquettish wall map. Her interface is called Perceptive Pixel Multi-Touch Screen. King and the "magic wall," another one of her nicknames, only began working together on January 8, the day of the New Hampshire primary. But their chemistry blossomed with each successive night of primary and caucus coverage, each passionate wave of King's hand, each poke and tap into one of our nation's voting precincts.

Still, most friends and family were shocked. Mr. King and Ms. Bash, whom he also met on the job at CNN, seemed very much in love and looking forward to their future together. A Catholic, King even converted to Judaism for his now former fiancée. In a February interview with The Forward, he compared the excruciating pain of his adult circumcision to sitting through the 2005 Broadway production of Fiddler on the Roof, starring Rosie O'Donnell and Harvey Fierstein.

CNN's Larry King (no relation to John), who's been married sixteen times in between thirty-seven heart attacks, offered his colleague advice several weeks prior to the bombshell revelations. "I told John, 'Look, these things happen. People understand that. But you can't keep this from Dana. Trust me, everyone will be more upset with the cheating than the fact you've been sodomizing a state-of-the-art map for four months.'"

Ms. Bash's father, Stu Schwartz, a longtime producer on Good Morning America, said of King, "I pleaded with her. 'Find a Jewish man!' These goyim with all their facocta gadgets. I warned her something like this would happen. Relations with a map? This is a man? He may have already converted, but you know what? You can have him back!"

Opening last night's broadcast, NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams said, "Good evening. We have much to cover tonight. The death toll in Myanmar grows, the price of gas keeps rising and more troops were killed today in Iraq. But first, a truly shocking story about a newsman, his map and the unpredictability of the human heart. To help us sort through the details is our own NBC News special correspondent Tom Brokaw. Tom, tell me, in all your years in the news business, have you ever seen something like this John King affair?"

"You know, Brian, I can't say I have," said Brokaw. "I guess the closest example I can think of would be the 1982 rumor of Roger Mudd's affair with a rather fetching filing cabinet. But Roger and his wife Emma Jeanne weathered that storm. And to this day, he denies those allegations."

Ms. Bash, still reeling from the news, released the following statement through her publicist today: "I wish John King all the best. I'll cherish the moments we shared. You know, sometimes a girl meets her prince and lives happily ever after. And sometimes that prince turns out to be f***ing a Perceptive Pixel Multi-Touch Screen map behind your back. That's just life."

The Wounded-Courier: Networks Announce Politically Inspired Summer Pilots

Major broadcast networks ABC, NBC, CBS and FOX are gearing up to run summer pilots that take advantage of this popular political season. The following is a list of promos currently being sent to network affiliates across the country:

HUCK, CHUCK AND JESUS (CBS) - In this righteously funny action series from the creators of “Friends” and “Walker, Texas Ranger,” Mike Huckabee and Chuck Norris play cross-country-roaming door-to-door life insurance salesmen who find trouble wherever they go. Fortunately, Huck and Chuck - armed with a portable Total Gym®, a five-year supply of Just for Men® and an endless reserve of roundhouse kicks - also have Jesus on their speed-dial.

ONE HUNDRED YEARS OF OCCUPATION (FOX) - Very loosely inspired by Gabriel García Márquez’s international bestseller One Hundred Years of Solitude, John McCain leads this all-star Washington cast of Pentagon-fed TV military analysts, Bush administration lackeys and mainstream stenographers in a bid to occupy Iraq for the next hundred years. But McCain’s scandalous long-distance affair with Suad Ali (actress Salma Hayek), an Iraqi cabinet minister’s fetching wife, threatens to unravel the Republican presidential nominee’s occupation plans.

THAT HAGEE AIN'T WRIGHT (NBC) - Can a racist, homophobic, Catholic-denigrating deranged TV evangelist live with a nutty narcissistic pastor steeped in black liberation theology - without driving each other crazy? Or crazier? Find out in this “Odd Couple”-inspired reality series, when Rev. John Hagee and Rev. Jeremiah Wright share a Manhattan apartment in Chelsea this summer. God help them? God help us.

WHO LOVES AMERICA MORE, AMERICA? (ABC) - A cross between “American Idol” and an appearance in front of the House Committee on Un-American Activities (HUAC). George Stephanopoulos hosts this game show where, following a series of opening statements by contestants and a McCarthy-era cross-examination by Stephanopoulos, viewers vote for who they think has their flag pin in the right place. If you know what we mean.

WHITE HOUSE PRESS CORPSE (NBC) – Reminiscent of "Invasion of the Body Snatchers," "Night of the Living Dead" and "The West Wing," veteran White House press corps member Helen Thomas plays herself in this episodic horror series. Surrounded by Washington journalists turned propaganda-consuming zombies, Thomas alone battles the high priestess of White House spin, brain-eating press secretary Dana Perino. 

NOW, THAT BROTHA'S ANGRY! (FOX) – “Last Comic Standing” meets “Cops” as closest racist Pat Buchanan, iconic celebrity Mr. T, and current Guinness World Records “whitest man on earth” P.J. O'Rourke judge contestants who try to top each for the title of angriest brotha. Make sure your V-Chip is in place, lock your doors and protect your white women. These guys are not f*&%ing around, motherf*&$ers!

AMERICA'S WORST BOWLER (CBS) - Barack Obama famously bowled a 37. Celebrity juggernaut and host William Shatner begins each program bellowing, “C'mon, I've seen lobsters bowl better frames!" In this innovative game show, before tossing their bowling balls down the lane, contestants are blindfolded, plied with low-shelf tequila and spun at G-force speeds. The winners, those closest to duplicating Obama's score, then compete against each other in a bowl-off. The last one standing faces Obama himself for the title of "America's Worst Bowler."

The Wounded-Courier: McCain Targets "Sadrists" Stewart and Colbert

After recent gaffes confusing Sunnis and Shiites, John McCain has now mixed up Sadrists - followers of Iraqi Shiite militia leader Muqtada al-Sadr - with satirists.

Aboard his campaign plane yesterday afternoon, the Republican presidential candidate answered a question about the dangers of Sadrists waging an all-out war on US troops, saying, "Well, here's some straight talk for you - I think Sadrists like Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert have been waging a war on our troops for years. And it's about time, my friends, that we face this reality and confront them head-on."

Attempting to correct the Arizona senator, New York Times journalist Elizabeth Bumiller, the reporter who had asked him the question, said, "Uh, Senator. I don't think Stewart and Colbert are the Sadrists I was referring to."

But McCain, vigorously reiterating his position, replied, "Well, maybe not. But they're two of the most popular out there. Ratings are high, kids love 'em. Here's some more straight talk - I've been on Jon's show but I'll admit I was wrong to do it, and I hope my Democratic opponents will have the courage to denounce their associations with him, too. The point is, anyone with military chops knows the best strategy for victory is to cut the snake off at the head. My friends, it's time we take these jokers out."

When Bumiller tried to correct him one last time, McCain erupted, "Look, I don't come to your office at the Times, elbow my way threw that Third World newsroom of Marxist homosexual terrorists, and stand over your desk telling you how to type! So, please - please - my friend, don't tell me how to win a war!"

Senator Joe Lieberman (?!-CT), a fixture at McCain's side throughout his presidential run, was unable to step forward this time and whisper facts into McCain's ear as he did during one of the two previous Sunni-Shiite blunders. Lieberman, observing the Passover holiday, had relegated himself to the Kosher for Passover section of the campaign aircraft.

Stephen Colbert, who responded in character during the taping of Thursday's scheduled Colbert Report, said, "This is further proof that Senator John McCain has what it takes to lead this country - a limited yet firm grip of the facts, a tenuous hold on reality, and Bunyanesque balls of stainless steel. Senator McCain, if posing as your patsy to win this war is wrong, then I don't want to be right. Hand me a Crave Case of White Castles and an elephant tranquilizer gun, and I'll take down Michael Moore for you, sir!"

When notified of John McCain's comment on the set of The Daily Show, host Jon Stewart stammered, loosened his tie and said, "Huh...is it hot in here, or is it me?" Breaking into a Woody Allen impression, he then added, "Well, I, uh, that's very interesting. You'll have to excuse me. I, I seem to remember I, I have a plane to catch...to Peru."

On MSNBC's Hardball last night, guest John Amato, proprietor of the popular blog Crooks and Liars, said, "So now we know what to expect. George W. Bush averted attention away from al Qaeda and Afghanistan to attack Iraq, and John McCain wants to avert attention away from the Sadrists to attack the satirists. You know, Chris, if Terry Southern and Stanley Kubrick were alive today, they wouldn't need a script."

But MSNBC commentator Pat Buchanan countered, "Look, what we have here is a case of turning lemons into lemonade. Did McCain confuse Sadrists and satirists? Maybe he did, maybe he didn't. But whatever happened, he brought attention to a growing problem - homegrown insurgents, like Stewart and Colbert, who are doing our troops a grave disservice. I'm with McCain, I say take 'em out."

McCain, however, did note that he would spare 70-year-old comedy legend Rich Little, considering both Little's magnanimous White House Correspondents Dinner routine the year following, as the senator put it, "Mr. Colbert's Tet Offensive of comedy," and because he considers Little more an impressionist than a Sadrist.

Swatting at imaginary flies above his head for a moment, McCain then added, "He's one Sadrist who's proved his loyalty to the United States and I honor him for his service."

The Wounded-Courier (EXCLUSIVE): Transcript of Untelevised Portion of ABC Debate

ABC News' handling of the Democratic debate on Wednesday generated thousands of negative comments from viewers and also excoriating critiques from members alternative and mainstream media alike. In response, ABC News President David Westin has decided to release a transcript of the untelevised portion of the debate, which took place subsequent to the one Americans watched on Wednesday night.

Westin, speaking with The Wounded-Courier, said, "While I think, on the whole, Charlie and George did an admirable job, I believe the most substantive part of the debate occurred after the cameras were turned off." Westin added, "I've decided to release this transcript to make clear ABC's commitment to excellence in journalism. We're confident you'll agree that the questions asked in these remaining minutes address substantive issues that are of the utmost concern to Pennsylvanians and every American."

Courtesy of ABC News, here is the untelevised transcript in its entirety:

CHARLES GIBSON, ABC ANCHOR: For the televised portion of this debate, we began segments with brief quotes from the Constitution apropos to what we would be discussing. For the untelevised portion, we will move away from the Constitution and quote liberally in a wild card fashion from whatever source seems appropriate. OK, so let's continue. "Sitting on a cornflake, waiting for the van to come. Corporation tee-shirt, stupid bloody Tuesday. Man, you been a naughty boy, you let your face grow long. I am the eggman, they are the eggmen, I am the walrus, goo goo g'joob."

GIBSON: That is a quote from The Beatles drug-inspired anthem "I Am the Walrus." Senator Obama, exactly how stoned were you the first time you heard this song? And did the bong hits, combined with the tabs of acid you ingested, make this song less or more enjoyable?

SENATOR BARACK OBAMA: You know, Charlie, I've already addressed my slight dabbling with drugs when I was a confused youth. I think I went through what many troubled youths go through when --

GIBSON: But how wasted were you the first time you heard "I Am the Walrus," Senator, and did your psychotic drug binge -- which may have caused you to black out for days on end while committing unspeakable acts you don't remember -- add or subtract from your listening pleasure?

OBAMA: Again, Charlie, I'm not sure how this helps get Americans health insurance, brings home our troops, or fixes the economy.

GIBSON: I'll take your response as an admission that pot and acid do, in fact, make this song better. But shooting heroin and the possible murders you committed during your unconscious fugue state detracted somewhat from the overall listening experience.

GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS, ABC ANCHOR: Senator Clinton, if a tree falls in the woods but no one is there to hear it, did it make a sound?

SENATOR HILLARY CLINTON: George, that is something which has been debated for centuries.

STEPHANOPOULOS: So you admit there was no gunfire that day you landed in Bosnia?

CLINTON: Well, you know, George, I've already conceded that I misspoke on that issue. If you're campaigning as much as Barack and I have --

(STEPHANOPOULOS brandishes a revolver and fires a few feet above Sen. Clinton's head.)

STEPHANOPOULOS: But you would've remembered that, right?

CLINTON: Of course.

OBAMA: Can I just say something? I don't see where this is getting us. George, you could've just killed someone in here. That's not a toy you've got in your hand there.

STEPHANOPOULOS: Right you are, Senator. And that leads us to our next question. Charlie?

GIBSON: "I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die." A line from Johnny Cash's "Folsom Prison Blues."

STEPHANOPOULOS: Senator Obama, your childhood friend Jimmy Choi told us that as a six-year-old boy living in Honolulu, one day you were both engaged in a typical game of cops and robbers, running around your yard with plastic guns, when suddenly little Jimmy tripped and fell. Before you helped little Jimmy back to his feet, you stood over him and said, "Pow! Pow! Pow!" over and over again, seemingly taking great pleasure in unloading your fake gun into your supposed friend. How can Democrats vote for a candidate who has shown, beginning at the age of six, to have such little regard for human life?

OBAMA: You're serious.

The Wounded-Courier: Penn Leaves PR Firm to Work Directly for Satan

"It was time to cut out the middle man," said Mark Penn, who recently stepped down as Hillary Clinton's chief campaign strategist. Penn, speaking from Satan's lair in an undisclosed circle of Hell, told The New York Times yesterday that the Devil contacted him as soon as he heard Penn had relinquished his top tactical role for Clinton.

"He texted me immediately - 'IMHO, you still rock.' Then he called me directly on his cell. Needless to say, I was pretty flattered," admitted Penn. "I've worked for Blackwater but this was Beelzebub. Not Erik Prince - the Prince of Darkness. He's the best in the business. When he put an offer on the table, I said, 'Where do you want me to sign and when do you want me there [Hell]?'"

Once he accepted Lucifer's offer, Penn stepped down as CEO of PR/lobbying giant Burson-Marsteller, where he gained valuable experience that will inform his new endeavor. Burson-Marsteller - rumored to have long retained Mephistopheles as a silent partner - has not only consulted private military contractor Blackwater USA but many other challenging clients, including embattled mortgage lender Countrywide, nuclear behemoth Entergy (whose tagline is "The Power of People"), and the unfortunately named SpinMaster, Canadian manufacturer of the poisonous Aqua Dots toy.

Penn, however, will continue to do polling and consulting work for the Clinton camp.

Commenting on his new role with the Overlord of the Underworld, Sen. Hillary Clinton said, "I wish Mark all the best. He worked his heart out for us and I'm sure he'll do the same for Satan, who, full disclosure, counseled me on my decision in 2006 to vote against banning cluster bombs in civilian areas. That wasn't easy. My gut said I have to vote for this - contrary to what Samantha Power thinks, I'm not a monster. But the Devil made clear it wasn't worth jeopardizing my copious financial support from the defense industry. And that turned out to be a prudent choice."

Satan, who stopped by The View this morning, feels it's high time to dust off his image, which, he said, "Really hasn't changed much over millennia." Noted the King of Hell, "For example, most people today have no idea I started my career as an angel."

"That's deep," said View co-host Whoopi Goodberg. "But you do admit you've done some horrible stuff."

"Of course," he acknowledged. "But, Whoopi, that's only one side of the story. Not a balanced view. I think working with Mark will help people see the real me." Rolling his eyes, Satan explained, "You know, I'm so much more than the scary guy with the pitchfork and the horns spreading war and pestilence. I have feelings, too. I shed a tear when Suharto passed away. I enjoy gardening in my downtime, catching the latest American Idol, inciting suicidal ideation. Like regular people, I also get a little acid reflux if I snack too late. And puppies almost make me smile."

Sources close to Satan say he and Penn are already developing a new reality show inspired by Donald Trump's The Apprentice. Each week the Devil will review the lives of terminally ill cast members. At the close of every episode, he'll tell one or more unlucky participants, "You're going to Hell."

The Wounded-Courier Editorial: Why Obama's Bowling Would've Lost Dr. King's Support (satire)

"I don’t know whether to kill myself or go bowling."
- Unknown

On this day, the 40th anniversary of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.'s death, we believe there is no better time to address Sen. Barack Obama's pitiful bowling display this week in Pennsylvania.

First, though The Wounded-Courier has not endorsed any candidate for president, after witnessing Mr. Obama toss that gutter ball again and again on that 24-hour media loop, let’s just say we are officially not endorsing him.

Why? It's only bowling, you say?

Well, it wasn't only bowling to Abraham Lincoln, Franklin Delano Roosevelt and John F. Kennedy, all of whom (as most Americans know) not only looked comfortable in their bright stripped shoes and loved those miniature pencils, but actually based their foreign policies on proven bowling techniques and strategies.

While Dr. King laid the groundwork for a black man to run for president in 2008, we're sure that even Dr. King would conclude that any man or woman – black, white, brown, yellow or purple – must keep that bowling ball out of the gutter if he or she is truly ready to lead America.

Dr. King did not give his life so one day some bowling delinquent like Barack Obama could land in the White House. (And if there isn’t a law against bowling with a tie on, we believe there should be.) King knew how crucial bowling was to not only improving US foreign policy and ensuring national security but to helping the poor, upgrading education, fixing our healthcare system and keeping the economy strong.

But he also knew America was not ready at the time to have an honest discussion about the issue of bowling. In fact, while some of his aides and confidantes, including Andrew Young and Harry Belafonte, pressed King to incorporate bowling into his "I Have a Dream" speech, King, in the end, believed it would be too controversial. Even in his "Beyond Vietnam" address, as he assailed US actions in Southeast Asia and gross neglect of the poor here at home, he dared not suggest bowling as a remedy for what ailed our nation.

But few people know that in earlier drafts of this speech, the line "A time comes when silence is betrayal" originally read, "A time comes when silence is betrayal and bowling is the only path to right a nation’s wrongs."

There are those who see a bowling ball and ask, "Why is this thing so f***ing heavy?" We see Barack Hussein Obama delivering a gutter ball and ask, “How do you expect to protect America?"

The Wounded-Courier: R2-D2 Backs Fellow Robot Mitt Romney

R2-D2, the lovable and limited robot who played C-3PO’s sidekick in the blockbuster Star Wars films, endorsed former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney yesterday.

“R2,” as he is known among friends and family (and billions of geeks worldwide), doesn’t speak English, but, through a translator, announced his support in a series of bleeps, tweets, whistles and flashing lights. 

“While much has been made of the historic possibility of Obama being the first black president or Hillary the first woman president,” began R2-D2, “the media has completely overlooked the third historic candidate in this race. Robots might be accepted, even beloved, in movies or on TV, but in everyday American life, they remain second-class citizens, if they’re treated like citizens at all. The first robot in the White House would go a long way to change all that. Mitt Romney is the clear choice for concerned robots across America.”

R2-D2’s backing of Romney came on the same day that movie star Sylvester Stallone officially endorsed Senator John McCain, and the National Association of Newsletter Editors with Convenient Memory Loss  (CML) threw its support behind Ron Paul.

On MSNBC’s Countdown last night, host Keith Olbermann asked Newsweek senior political correspondent Howard Fineman and Air America host Rachel Maddow, “Is the former Massachusetts governor’s embrace of R2-D2’s endorsement just one more example of Romney trying to be all things to all people, so to speak?”

“I don’t think so,” said Fineman. “Romney certainly has a genuine claim to robot voters. In fact, Keith, aside from his Mormonism, this may be the first time in his campaign when he’s not attempting to be someone he isn’t.” Maddow agreed, saying, “I think Mitt Romney is as proud, or more proud, of his robot heritage as he is of his religion. This is who he is and, quite frankly, we in the media should be asking ourselves why it took an endorsement from R2-D2, an out-of-work astromech droid, to get us to focus on this.”

But not everyone in the robot community is happy with R2-D2’s announcement.

Hymie the Robot, famed for his stint on the television series Get Smart and who in some circles has drawn direct comparisons to Mitt Romney in both appearance and bandwidth (which rankles Hymie, a highly assimilated android), says R2-D2’s endorsement is solely based on race and overlooks key issues facing America.

“I’m supporting Obama because he was right on the war, and, yes, I do find him inspiring,” Hymie admitted.

Yet other longtime acquaintances of Hymie, including Twiki from Buck Rogers in the 25th Century and the nameless Model B-9 Environmental Control Robot from Lost in Space, note that Hymie has a well-known reputation as a self-hating robot who’ll do anything to distance himself from his roots. 

Following R2-D2’s endorsement, a new Gallup poll suggested Americans are concerned that Romney would be an overly pro-robot president, holding the wishes of his fellow wired countrymen above those who are made of flesh and bone and stuffed pizza.

Romney campaign spokesman Eric Fehrnstrom, however, sought to quell such fears, assuring reporters that “Mitt Romney will be president first, and a Mormon robot second. A Romney presidency will represent all Americans – those with hearts and those with integrated circuits.”

Speaking this morning with Today co-host Matt Lauer (who many in the robot community believe is trying to “pass”), R2-D2, in an interpreted stream of blips, whirs and blinks, admitted a bias in supporting Romney.

“I endorsed Mitt to bring the plight of American robots into our national consciousness. Sure it’s personal. Look, Matt, when I see him up there on the stump, his accent of bloops and bleeps nearly imperceptible, an accomplished and English-speaking robot…well, it makes me kvell a little, I’m not embarrassed to admit.”

R2-D2 had fallen on tough times after not being invited back for Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. (It’s little known that throughout the wildly successful film series he was paid mostly in RAM and received zero percent of merchandising profits.) In the July 2005 issue of Cigar Aficionado magazine, “the garbage can with legs,” as Harrison Ford used to call him, revealed that “[George] Lucas used CGI instead of me in the last movie. So it just looked like I was in it. I didn’t even get scale. I f***ing made Lucas and this is how that anti-technite son of a bitch returns the favor. Hey George, I got your force right here.”

Shortly thereafter, R2-D2 found himself back east, working as a repair robot in a body shop in the Bronx, where he remained for over two years before he and a few of the mechanics went in on a winning Powerball ticket with a payday of $10 million. Since then, he has dedicated himself to robot rights, helped his longtime friend C-3PO battle an oil addiction and started dating a Roomba Intelligent Sweeper Vac.

The Wounded-Courier: Obama Calls Kerry Endorsement A Cheap Shot

Less than 48 hours after suffering an upset in New Hampshire, Barack Obama was dealt another serious setback when Senator John Kerry (D-Mass.) endorsed his candidacy for president yesterday.

Without warning, Senator Kerry - who ran a masterfully inept 2004 presidential campaign, stewarded by Bob Shrum, The Worst Campaign Manager on the Face of God’s Green Earth™ (as stated on his business card) - blindsided the charismatic Obama in South Carolina. As Mr. Obama addressed a cheering crowd in Charleston, Kerry broke through security and took the stage. With what Senator Obama would later describe as “a mixture of deference and horror,” he initially played along, allowing the battle-worn Massachusetts senator to present his prepared speech.

“I’m John Kerry and I am reporting to duty…to tell you, the audience, on this day, Thursday, January 10, 2007, that I, John Kerry, have decided to support Barack Hussein Obama, the junior senator from Illinois, in his quest to become the next president of these United States of America,” Mr. Kerry began. “I know Barack Obama,” he continued, as Mr. Obama turned to the crowd and shook his head, mouthing the words, “No, he doesn’t.” “History gives us moments, my friends, such as when I decided to take a stand against contesting a fraudulent election at a time when our country needed me most, when our citizens cried for accountability and mourned the inevitable tragic and bloody prospect of four more years under the Bush administration. I believe this moment is the moment we should make Barack Obama president of the United States. I know our country needs this leader to take us forward in the coming years, to build a new way to a better future and to reinvigorate the ideas bestowed upon us by our Founding Fathers, those wise men who, like me, today, embraced hope, the hope in people and places and things, the hope in the universe surrounding us, hope in the starry sky aloft at night as we lay in reverie, dreaming of the glory of hope beyond every hill and mountaintop, into every hamlet and haberdashery. And, of course, change. I believe, my friends, that we need change that revolutionizes. I believe we need a change that changes the way we ponder the meaning of change, a change that changes the earth beneath us in heretofore unforeseen, unimaginable and immeasurable ways….”

Forty minutes later, someone in Obama’s camp signaled security, who, to the relief of the stunned, long-silenced crowd, led Mr. Kerry off the dais. Not quite finished, Senator Kerry did put up a struggle as he neared the exits, crying out, “Excuse me, sir, but please remove your mitts from my lapels! I did nothing untoward to you, sir, nothing that warrants your creasing my suit’s sleeve! May I ask what you’re doing with that particular instrument?! I should forewarn you, my good man, not to apply that taser to my being! I believe that would be a rather ill-conceived act on your part should you decide to tase me, bromide…” At which point Mr. Kerry was tased.

The crowd erupted in applause, concluding the rally. U2’s “Beautiful Day” boomed from the loudspeakers as Mr. Obama waded through a sea of shaken admirers, pumping hands and apologizing for Kerry’s endorsement and hijacking of the event.

Having yet to schedule a campaign stop in South Carolina, rival candidate Senator Hillary Clinton broke down when she heard news of Kerry’s endorsement of Obama.

“Wow,” Clinton said, beaming, tears streaming down her cheeks as she met with reporters outside her Chappaqua, N.Y., home. “You know, I work hard every day. I go out there and try to do the right thing for America. I listen to people. But sometimes, sometimes things are out of your control. Those little blessings you don’t expect but receive in return for all of that work.” Clinton added, “I’d just like to thank Senator Kerry for once again serving his country.”

At a fair in Columbia, S.C., Senator John Edwards, before biting into a mustard-drenched corndog, said, “Elizabeth and I just want to send our deepest condolences to Barack Obama and his family for this tragic turn of events. I speak from experience when I say that Barack did nothing - nothing - to deserve this. It’s one thing to attack a candidate’s record, but quite another to defame someone’s character as Senator Kerry did to Mr. Obama today. My heart goes out to him and his former supporters.”

“Senator Obama thought the endorsement was a bit of a cheap shot,” Obama’s campaign spokesperson Bill Burton explained. “But Mr. Obama has nothing personal against Senator Kerry. It’s just politics. Our reaction was no different from the tactics Mr. Kerry applied in the jungles of Vietnam. If you’re getting hit, you have to hit back. We learned our lesson in New Hampshire.”

Pundits differed over the fallout from Kerry’s endorsement.

Speaking with Joe Scarborough on MSNBC, commentator Pat Buchanan said, “Look, I think Kerry’s sneak attack in endorsing Obama was a test for the junior senator from Illinois. I think Obama did the right thing. He showed he’s got that fire in the belly. Obama passed the test. With the way he handled it there in the end, I don’t think Kerry’s endorsement will have a lasting effect the way some are predicting.”

Yet only hours after Kerry’s endorsement, MSNBC projected Hillary Clinton the winner of South Carolina, which is scheduled to hold its primary on January 26. “You don’t have to be Nostradamus here, folks,” Chris Matthews asserted. “Hillary’s a lock for South Carolina now and most likely the nomination.” Matthews added, “Hey, tell Brokaw to suck it.”

But maybe the most dire assessment occurred on CNN’s The Situation Room with Wolf Blitzer, where Gary Hart, former Colorado senator and one-time Democratic presidential hopeful, declared John Kerry’s endorsement “worse than seventeen Donna Rices sitting on Obama’s lap on a luxury yacht called ‘Monkey Business.’”

The Wounded-Courier: NY Times Hires Vladimir Putin as Weekly Columnist

The New York Times announced today that beginning Monday, January 7, Russian President Vladimir Putin will write a weekly column for its op-ed page.

“We are thrilled to add Vladimir Putin's distinctive voice to our op-ed page,” said Andrew Rosenthal, editorial page editor. “He is a captivating leader and keen observer of the 21st-century political landscape. His work will undoubtedly be provocative in this election year. Plus, he threatened to have me poisoned if I didn't hire him.”

Mr. Putin is currently the leader of Russia, a country sliding back into Soviet-era dictatorship. The Russian president, formerly a member of the KGB and later the head of FSB (a successor agency to the KGB), once contributed a weekly column to his high school newspaper The State. Mr. Putin is also an origami enthusiast, a fan of the CW hit Gossip Girl ("What can I say? I'm hooked.") and believed to be behind the assassinations of at least 20 journalists since his presidency began in 2000.

Critics say The Times' decision underscores the paper's increasing willingness to showcase views of those who are less concerned with the constraining nature of reality and truth. But Rosenthal scoffed at such assertions.

“I'm not sure if I understand this weird fear of opposing views," said Rosenthal. "We have views on our op-ed page that are as thuggish or more so than Vladimir's." He added, "The idea that The New York Times is giving voice to a guy who is a serious, respected and brutal leader — and somehow that’s a bad thing. How intolerant is that? The whole point of the op-ed page is to air a variety of opinions." 

In further defending the hire, Rosenthal explained, "Look, Hitler and Stalin are dead. Pol Pot, too. Osama bin Laden tends toward the run-on sentence. Sudanese President Omar al-Bashir has trouble meeting deadlines. Musharraf told us he has too much on his plate right now to commit. Charles Manson's parole board has repeatedly declined our requests for Chuck to pen a column for us while serving out his life sentence. Dick Cheney can't write a sentence without dropping an F-bomb. And, well, let's just say all options were off the table concerning President Bush." 

Following The Times' decision to publish the NSA illegal wiretapping story in December 2005, Mr. Putin reportedly asked President Bush why he didn't just "quietly silence the responsible editors of such an irredeemable, second-rate paper of record."

In an interview with Politico.com yesterday, Putin said he was flattered to watch "the heads of liberal bloggers explode" over news of his hiring at The Times, but added, "I prefer to watch them explode literally, as in my own country."