Wolf Blitzer, lead anchor for the network's 2008 election coverage, said he'd grown increasingly uncomfortable with King's infatuation over his touchscreen sidekick. But Blitzer claimed he didn't know until the Pennsylvania primary that King and his "magic map" were counting more than votes.
"We were all very excited about Pennsylvania. Another big night for the best political team on television. But the truth is," explained Blitzer, "viewers only saw John with his map on-camera. Off-camera, he didn't leave her side. John didn't step away for refreshments the entire evening. Not even for a Skittle." Blitzer, suddenly visibly upset, composed himself before adding, "Later that night, long after Pennsylvania had been called for Clinton and most of us had already gone home, one of our producers brought a Krispy Kreme over to John. She found him with his pants around his ankles and his hand on Florida. I won't get into what was resting on New Jersey."
Little is known about the coquettish wall map. Her interface is called Perceptive Pixel Multi-Touch Screen. King and the "magic wall," another one of her nicknames, only began working together on January 8, the day of the New Hampshire primary. But their chemistry blossomed with each successive night of primary and caucus coverage, each passionate wave of King's hand, each poke and tap into one of our nation's voting precincts.
Still, most friends and family were shocked. Mr. King and Ms. Bash, whom he also met on the job at CNN, seemed very much in love and looking forward to their future together. A Catholic, King even converted to Judaism for his now former fiancée. In a February interview with The Forward, he compared the excruciating pain of his adult circumcision to sitting through the 2005 Broadway production of Fiddler on the Roof, starring Rosie O'Donnell and Harvey Fierstein.
CNN's Larry King (no relation to John), who's been married sixteen times in between thirty-seven heart attacks, offered his colleague advice several weeks prior to the bombshell revelations. "I told John, 'Look, these things happen. People understand that. But you can't keep this from Dana. Trust me, everyone will be more upset with the cheating than the fact you've been sodomizing a state-of-the-art map for four months.'"
Ms. Bash's father, Stu Schwartz, a longtime producer on Good Morning America, said of King, "I pleaded with her. 'Find a Jewish man!' These goyim with all their facocta gadgets. I warned her something like this would happen. Relations with a map? This is a man? He may have already converted, but you know what? You can have him back!"
Opening last night's broadcast, NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams said, "Good evening. We have much to cover tonight. The death toll in Myanmar grows, the price of gas keeps rising and more troops were killed today in Iraq. But first, a truly shocking story about a newsman, his map and the unpredictability of the human heart. To help us sort through the details is our own NBC News special correspondent Tom Brokaw. Tom, tell me, in all your years in the news business, have you ever seen something like this John King affair?"
"You know, Brian, I can't say I have," said Brokaw. "I guess the closest example I can think of would be the 1982 rumor of Roger Mudd's affair with a rather fetching filing cabinet. But Roger and his wife Emma Jeanne weathered that storm. And to this day, he denies those allegations."
Ms. Bash, still reeling from the news, released the following statement through her publicist today: "I wish John King all the best. I'll cherish the moments we shared. You know, sometimes a girl meets her prince and lives happily ever after. And sometimes that prince turns out to be f***ing a Perceptive Pixel Multi-Touch Screen map behind your back. That's just life."