The Wounded-Courier: Penn Leaves PR Firm to Work Directly for Satan

"It was time to cut out the middle man," said Mark Penn, who recently stepped down as Hillary Clinton's chief campaign strategist. Penn, speaking from Satan's lair in an undisclosed circle of Hell, told The New York Times yesterday that the Devil contacted him as soon as he heard Penn had relinquished his top tactical role for Clinton.

"He texted me immediately - 'IMHO, you still rock.' Then he called me directly on his cell. Needless to say, I was pretty flattered," admitted Penn. "I've worked for Blackwater but this was Beelzebub. Not Erik Prince - the Prince of Darkness. He's the best in the business. When he put an offer on the table, I said, 'Where do you want me to sign and when do you want me there [Hell]?'"

Once he accepted Lucifer's offer, Penn stepped down as CEO of PR/lobbying giant Burson-Marsteller, where he gained valuable experience that will inform his new endeavor. Burson-Marsteller - rumored to have long retained Mephistopheles as a silent partner - has not only consulted private military contractor Blackwater USA but many other challenging clients, including embattled mortgage lender Countrywide, nuclear behemoth Entergy (whose tagline is "The Power of People"), and the unfortunately named SpinMaster, Canadian manufacturer of the poisonous Aqua Dots toy.

Penn, however, will continue to do polling and consulting work for the Clinton camp.

Commenting on his new role with the Overlord of the Underworld, Sen. Hillary Clinton said, "I wish Mark all the best. He worked his heart out for us and I'm sure he'll do the same for Satan, who, full disclosure, counseled me on my decision in 2006 to vote against banning cluster bombs in civilian areas. That wasn't easy. My gut said I have to vote for this - contrary to what Samantha Power thinks, I'm not a monster. But the Devil made clear it wasn't worth jeopardizing my copious financial support from the defense industry. And that turned out to be a prudent choice."

Satan, who stopped by The View this morning, feels it's high time to dust off his image, which, he said, "Really hasn't changed much over millennia." Noted the King of Hell, "For example, most people today have no idea I started my career as an angel."

"That's deep," said View co-host Whoopi Goodberg. "But you do admit you've done some horrible stuff."

"Of course," he acknowledged. "But, Whoopi, that's only one side of the story. Not a balanced view. I think working with Mark will help people see the real me." Rolling his eyes, Satan explained, "You know, I'm so much more than the scary guy with the pitchfork and the horns spreading war and pestilence. I have feelings, too. I shed a tear when Suharto passed away. I enjoy gardening in my downtime, catching the latest American Idol, inciting suicidal ideation. Like regular people, I also get a little acid reflux if I snack too late. And puppies almost make me smile."

Sources close to Satan say he and Penn are already developing a new reality show inspired by Donald Trump's The Apprentice. Each week the Devil will review the lives of terminally ill cast members. At the close of every episode, he'll tell one or more unlucky participants, "You're going to Hell."

Comments

[Brad Jacobson]

Penn Resigns at PR Firm to Work Directly for Satan

[Batocchio]

I didn't know Rove was hiring! ;-)

[Brad J.]

I think Rove's also an employee.