The Wounded-Courier: God Visits Larry King, Revokes Charter Blessing America

“Is waterboarding torture?” said God, kicking off the taped segment to be aired on Larry King Live on Monday. The Creator of the Universe then turned directly into the camera and added, “That’s a rhetorical, America.”

God’s publicist tells The Wounded-Courier that “The Boss” is embarking on a weeklong media blitz to get the word out and granted Larry King the first interview after disclosing Mr. King’s decades-long prayers to book the Supreme Being.

An exasperated God, clad in a pomegranate Puma jumpsuit, then asked King, “How many historical examples do you people need? If you haven’t figured this out yet, I’ve no choice but to rescind my longstanding agreement to bless America,” adding, “This extends, by the way, to the trademarked utterance ‘And may God bless America.’ Each invocation hereafter will be met with a prompt cease and desist from my lawyers.”

“Now, let’s be clear on this, Heavenly Father,” said King. “For the millions of people viewing our program tonight, you’re saying that’s it? No more support? No more muscle?”

“I’m God, Larry. Not Tony Soprano.” Before explaining, his Omnipotence took a sip of myrrh tea from a hastily CNN-embossed golden chalice. “Certainly it’s no secret I’ve looked the other way for many years, decades - some might argue centuries - because of the tremendous promise of America. But this ‘torture debate’ was the straw that cleaved the dromedary’s only hump, if you will.”

King challenged the decision, noting, “But what about your reputation for loving, unconditional forgiveness?”

“Truth be told, that’s been a bit overplayed in the New Testament. All that old school smotin’ and smitin’ just tossed right out the window. I’m no sadist, Larry. That stuff was supposed to be instructive. I never intended my son to be a landfill for your sins. The Bush crowd and its disciples have been using this as a get-out-of-jail-free card for far too long.

“Let me put it in terms most American consumers can understand,” the Lord continued. “If you buy a merino wool v-neck sweater from Banana Republic and discover, by no fault of your own, a hole in it post-purchase, then, of course, you’re entitled to a free exchange or your money back with proof of the original receipt. But if, say, you buy that same merino wool v-neck sweater, bring it home and intentionally soak it in a bathtub full of Chianti before tossing in a lit match, well, it’s fair to conclude you’ve bought it. I call it the Banana Republic Theory of Ontological Remuneration.”

“Sort of like Colin Powell’s Pottery Barn rule,” said King.

“Mmm, I’m not familiar with that one,” the Infinite Spirit admitted. “But I was tempted to buy this handsome-looking imported wicker toothbrush holder I spotted there recently. Then I thought, ‘Do you really know what happens to wicker if it gets wet.’ I think I made the right move.”

Later, King attempted to further pin down God on what this means for America. “So you’re not answering our prayers anymore. Your number’s unlisted. This is what you’re telling us?”

“You’re on your own,” God said. “Like Yemen. Poets. Detroit. Or the hirsute fat guy with extreme Tourette’s and the double lobster hand.” Clarifying his position, he said, “Look, I don’t think I’m singling out the U.S. unfairly. At a certain point, I had to cut off Rome, too. As a leading monotheistic entity, I have a reputation to uphold. It’s nothing personal, Larry. It’s just business.”

Nevertheless, King continued to press the Supreme Being on the issue of torture.

“Now, since you’re all-knowing, you may have heard law professor Alan Dershowitz’s comment the other day - that sometimes torture works. How do you respond to that?”

“Well, I think Mr. Dershowitz’s comment underscores why I’m officially annulling this ‘covenant,’” said God, air quoting, “with America. That Alan Dershowitz is a lunatic putz should be as manifest as a burning bush or, say, frogs raining from the sky. But, apparently, it’s not. Here’s a professor of law who foamed at the mouth for ‘torture warrants’ right after 9/11.” God also confirmed that “though Dershowitz and his ilk may have been created in my image, my legal counsel has determined free will indemnifies me from such meshugga fascists.”

At the end of the interview, King thanked God, saying, “Even though you’ve decided to wash your hands of America, sir, I just want you to know I feel blessed to have interviewed you first,” adding, “What a day for me.”

Scheduled to follow God in the second half hour of Monday’s Larry King Live is one-time childhood star Danny Pintauro of Who’s the Boss? fame.

Comments

[MediaBloodhound]

God Visits Larry King, Revokes Charter Blessing America

[Batocchio]

A divine smiting might be the only thing to get through to torture apologists and proponents. But even that might not work.

[davia]

Lunatic putz, meshugge fascist.... Yiddish was such a wonderfully descriptive language, I'm delighted to see that God is still putting it to good use.

[davia]

Lunatic putz, meshugge fascist.... Yiddish was such a wonderfully descriptive language, I'm delighted to see that God is still putting it to good use.

[nowwithmorehair]

I'm reminded of that classic scene from "Blazing Saddles" when Sheriff Bart first rides into town. The Reverend Johnson asks for calm but when one of the townsfolk shoots a hole through his bible the Rev says to Bart, "Son, you're on your own."