The Wounded-Courier: Edwards’ Hair Takes Over in Campaign Shakeup

CHAPEL HILL, NC – Just a couple of weeks ago, John Edwards’ campaign staff made some changes. A new shakeup looks to have far greater impact.

John Edwards’ hair, which has received much more media attention than Mr. Edwards, stepped forward Sunday to officially take over the public face of the campaign. Known among staffers as simply “The Hair,” Edwards’ charismatic coif was fed up with garnering the lion’s share of press coverage while Mr. Edwards, his albeit more experienced yet less substantive counterpart, fought to downplay The Hair’s role in the campaign, opting instead to focus exclusively on the issues.

“It’s nothing personal against John,” The Hair said during a press conference yesterday outside the campaign’s headquarters. "He’s treated me very well over the years, which I’m sure you all know. But he was not exactly what you would call a team player. Meanwhile, who do you think inspired the ‘Breck girl’ label? I’ll tell ya one thing, it sure wasn’t that transplant on Joe Biden’s head.”

Mr. Edwards will continue to make campaign appearances, stumping for The Hair with his wife Elizabeth, whom insiders say was influential in her husband’s decision to relinquish the leadership role. Should The Hair win the Democratic presidential nomination, speculation is that Mr. Edwards will likely to join the ticket as The Hair’s vice presidential running mate. Yet talk of tension between Edwards and The Hair, reminiscent of the strained relationship Mr. Edwards shared with his former running mate, Senator John Kerry, may preclude such a partnership.

One anonymous staffer from the Edwards’ campaign revealed that The Hair considered leaving altogether and running as an independent, alluding to a meeting on Saturday between The Hair and New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg at Bloomberg’s sprawling getaway in The Hamptons. The staffer believed it was, in fact, this meeting with Mr. Bloomberg that compelled Mr. Edwards to ultimately cede control of the campaign to his formidable locks.

“We’ve been struggling to keep pace financially with Obama and Clinton,” the staffer explained. “John knew the campaign couldn’t withstand a defection like this. The vacuum of press coverage would be political suicide. Think about it – what would Maureen Dowd write about? We’d completely disappear from the pages of The New York Times, vanish from the Sunday morning talk shows.” Pausing a moment, the staffer said, “Look, if The Hair wins, then John by association will get in there. However unorthodox, I think the ends certainly justify the means.” Though he admitted, going forward, it’s unclear how much control Mr. Edwards will have even behind the scenes.

A New York Times/CNN poll today shows that with The Hair throwing his hat into the ring, the competition among Democratic front-runners has been turned upside-down. In a three-way race, The Hair receives 54% of the vote, Barack Obama 26% and Hillary Clinton 20%. 

Speaking to Tim Russert on Meet the Press Sunday, The Hair, like Mr. Edwards before him, said he planned on keeping his campaign above the fray of personal attacks. Russert, however, did get under The Hair’s skin when he mentioned what critics have called excessive, and possibly illegal, campaign contributions by natural hair care giant Aveda.

“Look, Tim” The Hair said, shaking his head, “these are rumors started by Republicans who are deep in the pockets of establishment hair care products – what I like to call the ‘Pert Plus Party.’ Folks who still want us to believe that, in 2007, lather, rinse and repeat is all Americans need to know when they step into a shower. Frankly, it’s appalling and I think the American people see right through it. They’re beginning to understand how damaging sodium laureth sulfite is to their family’s scalp. They yearn, Tim, for a forward-looking approach to the health of their hair. And I believe I’m the guy who can supply that necessary vision - one that includes incorporating the benefits of sap, Icelandic moss, flaxseed, organic sage and ylang ylang into a daily regimen.”

New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd is currently working on a new column about this latest shift in the Edwards campaign, but she and her editors are at pains over whether to call it “Good Hair Day” or “Split Ends.” She also plans on interviewing The Hair for an upcoming piece. “I’m delighted to play a part in improving the quality of political discourse,” says Dowd. “You know what they say - the cream rinse always rises to the top. [She chortles at the joke for several minutes.] But seriously, all that posing about healthcare, human rights, civil liberties, poverty. Oh, heavens. You know, call me jaded, but I think most Americans just want to have fun and who am I as a journalist to stand in their way.”

Comments

[MediaBloodhound]

Edwards’ Hair Takes Over in Campaign Shakeup

[nowwithmorehair]

This is a move I've been demanding for months.

[Phil Spector]

What's so funny about hair?

[Donald Trump]

Yeah....what's so damn funny....

[StromThurmondFromTheGrave]

Nothing funny at all.....

[samiam]

I hope Dowd reads this. Hilarious!