(This Wounded-Courier article was originally posted on August 4, 2006. It's comforting to know that most Americans finally agree with his doctor's diagnosis.)
Washington, DC - In the middle of President Bush’s routine yearly checkup on Tuesday, White House physician Richard Tubb discovered that the Commander-in-Chief's head was up his own ass.
“It was not the first time,” revealed Dr. Tubb. “As far back as 2002, when he was telling me how we need to invade Iraq after being attacked by Bin Laden, I told the president, ‘It appears what we initially believed was a benign growth has actually turned out to be your head up your ass.’ He just laughed it off, and said, ‘You done, Doc, I got some other sh** to do.’ The next thing I know we’re invading Iraq. As his physician, it saddens me the president didn’t deal with his condition back then. The procedure would’ve been much easier to perform. But with each passing year that Mr. Bush’s head remains up his ass, the challenge to remove it only grows more insurmountable."
Dr. Kenneth Cooper, however, the other supervising physician on hand as a team of doctors examined Bush from head to toe, refuted Dr. Tubb’s assessment. President of the Cooper Aerobics Center in Dallas and longtime friend of Mr. Bush, Dr. Cooper said, “With all due respect to Dr. Tubb, I unequivocally deny the president’s head has been up his ass as far back as 2002. As for its current location, I think more tests are required before we can reach an accurate diagnosis.” He added, “It should be noted that many former presidents, from George’s father to presidents Reagan and Nixon - most certainly Hoover - have served their country admirably while their heads remained lodged up their asses. As a physician, I can assure you this is a minor problem that presents no imminent threat to one’s health.”
Shortly after news broke of the alleged location of the president’s head, White House Press Secretary Tony Snow addressed members of the press. David Gregory of NBC asked, “The president told us repeatedly freedom’s on the march in Iraq. The Taliban are through in Afghanistan. No one could’ve anticipated breached levees in New Orleans. Talking with North Korea or Iran is a mistake. The science behind global warming is inconclusive. And, though there are nearly 1,000 civilian deaths in Lebanon, only a sustainable cease-fire is acceptable. Is it possible the president’s leadership is a direct result of having, as his physician says, his head up his ass for so long?” Grinning brightly, Snow replied, “First, David, his own personal physician, Dr. Cooper, has refuted this. Dr. Tubb, who alleged that particular location of the president’s head, appears to be going through some kind of personal crisis. I can’t really get into the specifics until I have something more concrete. But there’s been talk he may have been drunk at the time of the exam, possibly strung out on heroin. Also allegations of longstanding spousal abuse have surfaced. Even potential involvement in a widespread child pornography ring. But really, David, it would be wrong of me to speculate any further at this time.”
On Paula Zahn Now, Zahn asked end times fiction writer Joel Rosenberg, “These reports, Joel, of the president’s head being up his ass…is this another sign of the Apocalypse?” Rosenberg responded, “Well, I certainly wouldn’t say it’s not a sign. In fact, Paula, I think the current position of President Bush’s head has been fundamental in setting some of these end time sequences into motion.” Zahn quipped, “So, for the sake of your sales, you’d probably prefer the president keep his head where it is.” Nodding, Rosenberg said, “You might say that.”
Some critics of President Bush’s leadership, like Senator Russ Feingold (D-Wisconsin), have said this news explains a lot. “Well, to be frank, I’ve thought this for years. But I’m glad to finally have confirmation. My friend, former Senator Wellstone, God rest his soul, was one of the first to point this out. Everyone said he was exaggerating. Well, here’s to you, Paul,” Feingold said, raising his cup of coffee. But Senator John McCain (R-Arizona), visiting Larry King Live, expressed “the president should be judged on his commitment to fighting the war on terror and spreading liberty, not on the divisive issue of where his head might be located.” When King pressed McCain on his personal view of where Bush’s head lies, the maverick senator replied, “Larry, whether President Bush’s head is on his shoulders or six miles up Cripple Creek, this is all simply a diversion from the issues that matter most to Americans.”
As this controversy raged on, Peggy Noonan opined in the Wall Street Journal, “Is the president’s head really up his ass? I would say no. But if it turns out it is, then it would show that George W. Bush, as opposed to what the liberal media would have you believe, is actually an extremely introspective human being. A man who has searched deeply within himself, and has come to the conclusion that the fight for peace must not end until there’s no one left to fight. Some people would call that conviction.”
Emily Jackson, now twelve, but a member of the second-grade classroom in which President Bush received news of the first plane hitting the World Trade Center, said she assumed as much back then. “I was, like, seven at the time. But when I found out afterwards he kept, like, reading that stupid pet goat story while our nation was under attack, I was, like, that’s whack, yo. Sure I thought his head was up his ass. Duh.”
The latest Zogby Interactive poll shows that 69% of Americans think the president’s head is firmly up his ass. Another 16% believe it’s only partially up his ass. While 10% say the president’s head is not up his ass at all. The remaining 5% are unsure of its precise location.
Moments before this report was going to press, the White House released a statement saying that Dr. Tubb, the physician who diagnosed the president earlier this week, has resigned from his duties in order to spend more time with his family.