From the Archives: Bush Drafts Amendment for Etch-A-Sketch Constitution

(This Wounded-Courier article was originally posted on August 11, 2006. In the interim, Bush has admitted to running secret prisons overseas and has been working diligently to not only maintain his administration's ability to practice torture but to protect it from facing war crimes by retroactively altering Article 3 of the Geneva Conventions. Meanwhile, the mainstream media has framed this news almost solely in terms of November election maneuvering: Won’t this put the Democrats on the defensive? Transgressing the rule of law is now a political strategy to our mainstream media. When things get this insane, The Wounded-Courier offers shelter. And then burns the house down.)

Crawford, TX - In a bold election year move, the Bush administration has drafted an amendment to create a new Constitution employing the classic simplicity of Etch-A-Sketch, the cherished American toy (perfect for ages 3 to 103) that allows users to draw on a screen, then, when finished, to simply turn it upside down and shake it to erase and start from scratch.

President Bush paused from a virile display of clearing brush at his Crawford ranch to tout the new proposed law of the land. “We’re, you know, an old country. Several hundred years of change and turmoil and, uh, wandering through deserts in search of liberty. It’s time we evolve. Stop pretending we can slow the wheels of history,” said Bush. “And, as you know, we’ve been busy drafting so many amendments to our current Constitution that, uh, we got to thinking, heck, why not just start from scratch. And, um, even better, make it easy to erase rather than throwing honest taxpayers’ money out the window by having to check with Congress. I think our citizens like change. They’re, uh, a changeable people.” His voicing rising, Bush proclaimed, “With this Etch-A-Sketch Constitution, we can embrace change any time we feel like it. That makes us a more flexible warrior in the war on terror.”

Senator Lindsey Graham (R-South Carolina) said Congress "is aware of the how bogged down government has become. We need to weigh the importance of our president having the power to do his job with just how far we can allow the administration to make our great country a laughingstock around the world.”

Hardball host Chris Matthews last night called the move “the most heroically revolutionary act since the Boston Tea Party.” Guest Andrea Mitchell, NBC’s Senior White House Correspondent, said, “Though many on Capitol Hill have their doubts about the ability to maintain checks and balances with this so-called Etch-A-Sketch Constitution, we’ve been hearing that Republicans are already lining up behind the president on this one, hoping to capitalize this election year on the inherent national security benefits of a Constitution written on an Etch-A-Sketch.” She added, “And after Lamont’s devastating victory this past week, which – let’s face it, Chris - once again paints the Democratic Party soft as brie on defense issues, even some Democrats are getting into the game. Most notably the Dem now moonlighting as an Independent, Senator Joe Lieberman. ”

Campaigning, again, against the obscenely wealthy Ned Lamont, a re-energized Senator Lieberman reasoned, “You know, we just plain don’t have time to follow rules written over two hundred years ago. These terrorists, these killers, who make Adolph Hitler look like a kitten with milk, are changing the playbook every single day.” As he stamped a baby’s forehead with the new “Joementum Lives!” campaign slogan, Lieberman concluded, “Look, an Etch-A-Sketch Constitution makes sense for the American people,” adding, “If Ned Lamont wasn’t busy surfing the net for child pornography while hacking into my campaign’s computers, text messaging with his ol’ buddy Hugo Chavez and planning his next politically improvised explosive device against me in November, then he might understand the dangers our country is facing.”

Some critics, including Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton (R-New York), accuse the White House of going several steps further than this week’s previously drafted legislation to amend the War Crimes Act, which they believed was a blatant attempt to circumvent potential prosecution over the handling of detainees in Iraq and Afghanistan. Said Clinton, “During our now famous drinking contest, Senator McCain and I came up with the idea of writing a new Constitution on a deck of cards – not a fixed deck, mind you, a deck with all 52 cards intact. Would that work? I’m not completely convinced. But we sanction an Etch-A-Sketch Constitution to this, frankly, untrustworthy administration at our country’s peril.”

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales flatly denied allegations that this administration has, or intends to, abuse executive power, noting, “The Constitution is a multi-interpretable document. Much like the Bible. Some people, as you know, look at the New Testament and see ‘turn the other cheek.’ Others look at it and see that Jesus didn’t just walk on water, but that he may have been the first man to engage in legitimate use of water boarding. A tactic he applied to the Apostles when one of them stepped out of line - for instance, hiding his robe or staff or replacing his hair-straightener with his toothpaste. So, you see,” Gonzales continued, “when people ask that age-old question, ‘What would Jesus do?’ I think we have ample evidence to say, ‘Water boarding.’”

Comments

[Ntrails]

Gonzales quote is classic!