The Wounded-Courier: Cheney’s MySpace Page Revamps Image

WASHINGTON, DC - As part of an ongoing White House image makeover, Vice President Dick Cheney has set up his own MySpace page.

“The Vice President felt the need to reconnect with the American community,” explained Chief of Staff David Addington. “People know Cheney the bloodthirsty monster who plunders the world with impunity - terrorizing, botching and destroying everything in his path. Or that guy who shot his friend in the face, outed Valerie Plame, fixed intelligence to invade Iraq, threw no-bid contracts to buddies at Halliburton and architected our energy policies with big oil at his side. But what they don’t realize,” Addington pointed out, “is that the Vice President is most certainly chill. That he’s into gaming. Crunk. Digs on the ladies, especially those with junk in the trunk. Never misses an episode of Pimp My Ride and Scrubs. And enjoys the chronic every now and then when he’s hanging in his undisclosed crypt.”

Critics believe this is a ploy to disinter Cheney’s poll numbers. Some also point to the heavy influence of black artists under his MySpace “Interests” section, claiming it's a shameless tactic to raise the vice president's favorability ratings among African-Americans, which is currently between 4% and -6% depending on the poll. But White House Press Secretary Tony Snow, who’s triumphed in making the Bush administration appear more likeable since taking over for the hangdog Scott McClellan, says it’s simply Cheney being Cheney.

“Look, this is nothing new for those of us who really know Dick,” Snow said while addressing the White House press corps. “The MySpace page is just a way to make sure the rest of Americans get to know him as well as we do. I know you guys in the press feel safe with this snarling, soulless Mr. Potter image of the vice president. But I don’t think Mr. Potter would listen to Lil Jon’s ‘Crunk Juice’ on his iPod.”

Helen Thomas of Hearst Newspapers then questioned the sincerity of Cheney’s MySpace page in what became a rather heated exchange.

THOMAS: How do we know these are really the vice president’s words? That it’s not just a summer intern filling up his pages?

SNOW: Because I just told you, Helen.

THOMAS: So Dick Cheney watches Pimp My Ride and listens to the Butthole Surfers?

SNOW: Apparently, yes.

THOMAS: All right, fine. Can you tell us the vice president’s favorite Pimp My Ride episode, or his favorite song by the...the Butthole Surfers? Or DMX? This...Weezer? Black Eyed Peas? Any of the musicians listed on his MySpace page?

SNOW: I’ll plead ignorance on that. You’ll have to ask him yourself, Helen.

THOMAS: I’d be glad to, but he only seems to address the press after disasters, or when he’s threatening the American public with new ones.

SNOW: I’m not sure what you’re referring to, Helen, but I won’t get into any what’s-the-sound-of-one-hand-clapping philosophicals.

THOMAS: [crosstalk] Nigga, please.

[laughter]

SNOW: Oh, Helen, you really are the bee's knees, aren’t you?

Snow later played down the fact that although Mr. Cheney has sent out thousands of “friend requests,” no one has yet to accept.

In the vice president’s latest MySpace blog entry, dated July 10, he writes, “Sometimes I feel like I’m all alone. The world’s against me. There’s so much pressure to conform to everyone’s expectations. But what about what I want? Maybe I’ve done some bad things, but who hasn’t, right? Do I not bleed when you cut me? OK, maybe I don’t. But I still recognize the intent. And after crushing you for it, I know I’ll feel the inevitable emptiness again, and I’ll want to get zooted to forget about it for a while. Yo, sorry to unload. I’m out. Laterz.”

Vice President Cheney could not be reached for this article. Chief of Staff Addington said Mr. Cheney was busy making a “sweet” mix for some homies in Homeland Security.

Comments

[PlusDistance]

Weezer? Pleez. Cheney's straight-up gangsta, yo. Listens to Fiddy and old-skoolers like NWA and 2Pac. His secret service nickname is "ODB," he's got "HALIBURTON 4 LIFE" tattooed just under his first open-heart surgery scar, and when those Hussein bitches got up in his grill, he was all like "SHOCK N AWE, BITCH! HOW YOU LIKE THE NEW AMERICAN CENTURY NOW?"

Yeah, he's cold. That's how they do it in the W-Y. You don't PLAN, you just take care o' BUSINESS! Why? cuz' it's all about the crude, baby.

[MediaBloodhound]

Ya down with the VP...? Yeaaah, you know me...

It is all about the crude, my brotha from anotha motha.

As always, funny stuff, PD.

[Jenn]

That was funny. REALLY FUNNY.

[Bob Jeffery]

Great satire;cheney is beyong redemption and his paranoia will soon be full filled - hopefully!

[Warren Whitlock]

Just found this.. loved the writing.

But I've been wondering.. "critics" always suggest or even "accuse" a public figure of doing things that will help their image.

What would they have them do? Try to HURT their image?

I suppose people should work with no thought of what the popularity polls say.. but the same "critics" that say "he's doing it just for the bump" are the ones that watch the polls the most

I'm no Cheney fan.. (quite the opposite).. just found this to be funny and felt like commenting.

I guess I'll have to go log into MySpace and see how many friends Cheney has.

Thanks for the post

Warren

[MediaBloodhound]

Thanks for your kinds words, Warren. I'm fairly sure, however, that Cheney still has zero MySpace friends.