The Wounded-Courier:Guantanamo Chief Calls All Suicide Warfare

GUANTANAMO BAY, CUBA - Clarifying his original statement referring to the three suicides at Guantanamo Bay as an “act of warfare,” camp commander Rear Admiral Harry Harris explained today that he meant suicide in general.

“First, I stand by what I said,” Harris began. “Though I should’ve been more precise in my wording. Anyone who carries out an act of suicide has or is striking against us militarily – and is a terrorist.”

Terry Moran of ABC News asked, “Admiral, you’re saying the lone act of committing suicide – of anyone committing suicide, anywhere, even when that person is not harming anybody else – is an act of terrorism?” “Yes,” said Harris. Moran followed up. “So, Sylvia Plath? She was a terrorist?” Harris paused a moment, then said, “Not sure who that was, but if she killed herself, bingo. Terrorist.” Visibly flustered Moran added, “Kurt Cobain? Freddy Prinze? Van Gogh? Judy Garland, sir?” With his fist striking the podium for emphasis, Harris replied, “Terrorist. Terrorist. Terrorist. Terrorist. I’m not sure how I can be more clear on this.”

NBC’s David Gregory further addressed Harris’ contextualization. “Admiral, just to clarify your position on what constitutes an act of warfare, or terrorism – what about, say, death brought on by anorexia or overeating? Or autoerotic asphyxiation?” Harris, leaning rigidly on the podium, said, “All are clearly acts against the sanctity of what America stands for. Classic asymmetrical warfare clearly intended to strengthen our enemy, weaken our resolve and impede our road to victory.”

The press fell silent a moment. Some gazed around the room to see who might engage Harris next. Finally, CNN’s John King, asked, “Admiral, what if someone just, well, dies? Of absolutely no fault of their own. Has a heart attack. Is in car accident. Gets a brain tumor. Is that person a terrorist?” Harris quipped, “You media types just don’t give up, do you?” The room exploded with laughter, cutting through the tense environment. “Well, again,” Harris continued, “I tried to be as specific as I could. Let me whittle it down further for you all. Death itself is act of terrorism. It’s giving up on America.” King responded, “Just one more clarification if you will, then, Admiral. An elderly person passes away peacefully in the night. Terrorist?” Harris nodded. “You betcha.”

The room grew quiet again before Helen Thomas of Hearst Newspapers inquired, “Admiral, do you like duckies? Little rubber duckies, I mean?" “Of course,” Harris replied, breaking a smile. “And rainbows made of chocolate?” pressed Thomas. Harris, his eyes suddenly glassy, said, “Who doesn’t like rainbows made of chocolate?” “And do you see rabbits the size of skyscrapers all around you,” Thomas went on, “telling you what to do, even complimenting you on your taste in cufflinks?” Harris, pursing his lips, said, “Yes. But the giant rabbits know more than we do. They have fought the thousand-year wars millenniums ago. But, fortunately for the United States of America, the giant rabbits are on our side now. Have been for quite some time. I’d say midway through WWII.”

Suddenly, Harris ducked as though avoiding small-arms fire, then, returning upright, cocked his head toward the ceiling. “Talk all you want about coalitions of the willing. If I’m in a foxhole, I want the giant rabbits by my side. They are reliable, they are resourceful and they are loyal. And they are sexy as hell. Plus, their blood contains the potassium we need to defeat the insurgents. Potassium, and riboflavin, unique to giant rabbits.”

Moments later, two military guards escorted Harris from the podium. As he was being led away, some reporters allegedly heard Harris howl like a dog and cry, “I’m coming home, Mommy!”

Comments

[antonio]

jesus, perfect. thanks for the laugh!